It's insomnia night!

Well, this hasn't happened in a few weeks. I'm up, it's midnight, and I can't seem to go to sleep. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I've been trying since 9:30 and have been constantly getting texts. No one loves me unless I'm trying to sleep. Or maybe I'm always trying to sleep and so people just text when they feel like it.

Somethings I've been thinking about: Julie mentioned something about our sessions ending in April, so I think that's when her semester is over (she's a student therapist). I suppose I'll have to go without or try to convince the center to give me someone for the summer semester, if they have a person. I wonder how their process works.

I see the doc next week, and I think he's going to take away my Abiify. I'm appalled at the thought. I can't imagine being without the antipsychotic. It's what got me out of a depression last year, and what got me free this time, too. If it's a crutch I don't care- I need it. But how am I supposed to have it? Well, I'm not going to worry about affording it. There are a bunch of folks who've taken up the cause d'Anne and said they would help pay for my meds. I think that sucks, but if it's the reason I can still go to interviews and function, then so be it.

Jesus, I need some sleep. Ugh.

Action without foresight

"Impulsivity, or action without foresight, is a factor in many pathological behaviors including suicide, aggression, and addiction," says the study's author. I just think it's a great explanation. Action without foresight. And it includes actions like addiction that take place over time. Impulsive, but chronic. Interesting how they're grouped in there with aggressive and suicidal acts, which are one time impulsive acts.

Thank God I'm on the low end of impulsivity lately. I can't seem to get anything going, let alone an impulsive act. Maybe running can become a chronic impulsive thing for me. That would be nice.

Sleep calls

It's 7:30 and I'm in my pjs, waiting to go to bed. Is that pathetic? I feel pathetic. I have a lot to do tomorrow, including work and meet up with some people, so one wasted day isn't too much to cry over. I did go to my cousins house and Home Depot, so I got out of the house. I never made it for a run, despite being in my running clothes.

Big sigh. Can I go to bed yet? Apparently the floor guys are coming at 8am, so I have to be up by 7 and dressed and ready to go by 8. I think that means I can go to bed early. This is ridiculously early, though....

Back on bc?

I've always wondered what your menstrual cycle does to bipolar. Since I haven't been on birth control, I've been a lot more depressed.

Anyway, "premenstrual mood exacerbation may be a clinical marker predicting a worse presentation and course of bipolar disorder in reproductive-age women." In other words, yes, your menstrual cycle does have an effect on your moods. Kind of a duh, but in some women with bipolar it really has an effect. I think that might be me. I've been noticing in the past year that before my period I hit a point of depression, and after I get a little manic. I've noticed it's a monthly cycle up up and down, and it's tied in with my period. I know you wanted to know this.

I suppose I should go back on birth control and see if that does something.

Monkey see

So apparently just watching someone smoke can trigger you. "The volunteers were unaware that the study was about smoking. When they viewed smoking scenes, smokers showed greater brain activity in a part of the parietal lobe called the intraparietal sulcus, as well as other areas involved in the perception and coordination of actions. In the smokers' brains specifically, the activity corresponded to the hand they use to smoke."

Your hand knows you smoke with it. It sees others doing what it wants to do, and it prepares itself for smoking. Your brain sets you up, and your body goes along with it. So what are you supposed to do? Not look at the smokers? Can you imagine walking down the street and averting your eyes. "DON'T LOOK!" you're screaming to yourself. How strange.

Though I'm sure the study is right, because I know watching people smoke in movies makes me think about cigarettes. It's inevitable. It's like trying to pretend no one drinks. You just have to get used to the fact that other people do this stuff, and learn to convince yourself out of it. Luckily, it doesn't take much to think of smoking as bad, but it sure is fun. Sigh.

I've lost control

To play on that theme: I'm not in control of my life. I feel absolutely out of control. I spent the past 7 years totally on my own; paying my own bills, buying cars, renting apartments, moving, etc. And now? I have nothing. My mom has my car and dog, my life is in storage, and I'm living with dad. I feel trapped (I am trapped. I can't afford to move). It's a debilitating feeling.

So what do I want to do? Well, what do I have control over? My body! Right! So what do I want to do with my body? Well, besides smoke, I want change! What does change look like? Hair dye. Piercings. New tattoos.

I bought new lipstick yesterday, hoping that would do something. It's nice. And I do like to experiment with lipstick. But I would have to get dressed and leave the house, too. So, no going to happen. Well, that's not true. I've been out of the house a lot and with a lot of different people. Just not lipstick places.

Piercings. Can't think of where I would want one. I think I'm done with piercings.

Hair dye. Or hair changes. This is a valid option, though my hair is finally its natural color and a nice length. I like it the way it is. I do love really short hair, but people tell me I look like a lesbian, and that's no way to attract a boy. Man. I should say man. Boys are stupid. Let's look for a man. Ugh, I don't even want to think about that.

I'm getting my next installation of tattoo at the end of March. It's a long time to wait! Jesus. A month?

Ok, now my head hurts. I just want to go back to bed....

Give me a cigarette

All I want lately is a cigarette. I'm stressed. I'm in chaos. I'm not in control of my life whatsoever. I want a cigarette. "mild depression already is known to reduce the success of quitting. This study suggests that major depression reduces the success rate even farther." See? Even my brain is conspiring against me!

But I won't have one. I haven't had the urge to buy a pack, yet, or even bum one. I just want one, you know? I want that drag, that exhale, that thing in my hand that kills time and reduces stress. Something, anything. Cigarettes were my go-to; my good friends. I could escape with them. They gave me a good reason to get out of the house.

I bummed that one from Diane a while ago, and all I did was cough after one drag. And I took care not to inhale very deep, either. So one little drag... can't even have that. And that's good. It's good to know that.

So I ordered a dress and a few shirts online. Not pants, cause I can't fit in any, but dresses usually fit. I have my workout clothes on, which doesn't cure the cigarette urge, but maybe I'll run today. Maybe.