I've lost control

To play on that theme: I'm not in control of my life. I feel absolutely out of control. I spent the past 7 years totally on my own; paying my own bills, buying cars, renting apartments, moving, etc. And now? I have nothing. My mom has my car and dog, my life is in storage, and I'm living with dad. I feel trapped (I am trapped. I can't afford to move). It's a debilitating feeling.

So what do I want to do? Well, what do I have control over? My body! Right! So what do I want to do with my body? Well, besides smoke, I want change! What does change look like? Hair dye. Piercings. New tattoos.

I bought new lipstick yesterday, hoping that would do something. It's nice. And I do like to experiment with lipstick. But I would have to get dressed and leave the house, too. So, no going to happen. Well, that's not true. I've been out of the house a lot and with a lot of different people. Just not lipstick places.

Piercings. Can't think of where I would want one. I think I'm done with piercings.

Hair dye. Or hair changes. This is a valid option, though my hair is finally its natural color and a nice length. I like it the way it is. I do love really short hair, but people tell me I look like a lesbian, and that's no way to attract a boy. Man. I should say man. Boys are stupid. Let's look for a man. Ugh, I don't even want to think about that.

I'm getting my next installation of tattoo at the end of March. It's a long time to wait! Jesus. A month?

Ok, now my head hurts. I just want to go back to bed....