We're doomed

Interesting article about the "epidemic" of mental illness in the U.S. Apparently, they think it's caused by the very meds used to treat us. Here, you read:

Prozac and other SSRI antidepressants block the reuptake of serotonin . In order to cope with this hindrance of normal function, the brain tones down its whole serotonergic system . Neurons both release less serotonin and down-regulate (or decrease) their number of serotonin receptors . The density of serotonin receptors in the brain may decrease by 50% or more . As part of this adaptation process, Hyman noted, there are also changes in intracellular signaling pathways and gene expression . After a few weeks, Hyman concluded, the patient's brain is functioning in a manner that is "qualitatively as well as quantitatively different from the normal state" (Hyman & Nestler, 1996, p . 161).

In short, psychiatric drugs induce a pathology.

Basically, the drugs tell your brain to quit with the serotonin production. I always wondered what exactly they were doing up there. It sounds like a not so hot thing, and my theory that once you take drugs you can't stop seems to go along with this article. Once your brain makes an adaptation like that, it relies on the drug. So if you go off drugs, like I did, you're screwed.

Pick a dart

At the beginning of the study we find out this: "people who drank diet soda every day had a 61 percent higher risk of vascular events." So you're more likely to have a heart attack or stroke if you drink diet soda everyday. Why? "In the study, people who consumed more than 4,000 milligrams (mg) per day of sodium had more than double the risk of stroke compared to those consuming less than 1,500 mg per day."

But diet Coke only has 28mg of sodium in it. So how much sodium are we supposed to get? "Only a third of participants met the current U.S. Dietary Guidelines for Americans that recommend daily sodium intake fall below 2,300 mg, or about a teaspoon of salt, Gardener said. Only 12 percent of subjects met the American Heart Association's recommendations to consume less than 1,500 mg a day. Average intake was 3,031 milligrams."

1.500mg. That's a lot of diet soda to be taking in. I probably don't get that much in soda, and I drink a lot of it. I wonder about taking lithium with the sodas, since the amount of salt in my bloodstream has to be obscene. I don't eat out much, and I don't put salt on my food, so I'm mostly getting it from diet Coke.

I suppose I could just switch to 7-Up, though I doubt there's lithium in it anymore.

Life is a symphony

"A new study in Biological Psychiatry implicates a brain protein called Piccolo in the risk for inheriting bipolar disorder. In the orchestra of neuronal proteins, Piccolo is a member of a protein family that includes another protein called Bassoon. Piccolo is located at the endings of nerve cells, where it contributes to the ability of nerve cells to release their chemical messengers."

And the flute gives you schizophrenia. I suppose researchers ran out of abbreviations and started using common names. I would love to hear a discussion on all of this. I bet it's confusing as hell.

Anyway, finding a genetic protein involved in bipolar is a great start. Perhaps they'll be able to do testing eventually to see if people really have bipolar, and then maybe develop some drugs that target that protein. Or figure out why the ones we have work. Science is fascinating.

Red Bull gives you... what?

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Red Bull gives you mania. I had a Red Bull this morning at the shop and I've been buzzing ever since. I've also had 3 diet Cokes and went to the gym for an hour. Surprisingly, all I want to do it lie down for a nap. It's seeming to have the opposite effect. I want to be amped, and I'm not really feeling that high. Then again....

They know energy drinks, especially Red Bull with it's taurine, can trigger mania.
"They contain, along with lots of stimulating caffeine, chemicals such as taurine and inositol which have been found at elevated levels in brains during mania and psychosis." Fascinating, right? Well if the doc takes away the Abilify maybe I'll just shoot for a Red Bull a day. That should keep me up.

God I love caffeine.

More jobs

Someone at a place I used to work just sent me a job posting there and told me to apply. Then the boss of that unit emailed me and told me about the position. Cosmic influence? It's a hard place to work - full-time stress - but a good place. And they are close to here and pay well. I wouldn't mind going back, I don't think. So I just applied. We'll see how it goes. They would have to act fast, since I'm on interview #3 with another place that I don't really want to work, but will. I'm not going to turn anything down from now on. I shouldn't have turned the other one down, but I would have been bored. At this point I'll take bored over this.

A reversal

And I know why. I want to celebrate the fact that I'm depressed and lonely, jobless and miserable. A nice glass of wine sounds perfect right now, along with a cigarette. I wish that's what I could be doing. But I can't smoke. And I don't want to drink until my one year. Or maybe I'll drink when I get a job. I think drinking in celebration is fine.

"What?!" You say. "But you're sober! You're in AA! You can't drink!" Right. About that. I don't know if AA is the thing for me. I know, it's worked for millions of people, kept millions alive and out of trouble. I know I was having blackouts and nights of two or sometimes three bottles of wine alone. I know that's alcoholic behavior, right? Well, I'm guessing it's the meds that made me blackout, first off, but yeah, having 2 bottles of wine alone isn't cool.

I've never quit before, and I don't think alcohol is done with me. I've said this before. I know some people go out and then all of a sudden they get into trouble, but I'm not driving lately, or hanging out with anyone, so I'm good there. I'm not even going to make promises to myself like I will only have one, or not drink alone. I'm just going to be a responsible adult about it and hope that I can handle that. I'm going to hope that I'll only drink when I'm not driving, and I'll have the willpower to say no sometimes. I've learned you don't always have to drink.

I've learned a lot from being sober. I'm still going to see if I can make it a year. May 27. I think that's a good goal, but I'm over the whole AA thing. I'm done trying to make it work. As Adam likes to say, "It's not a hotbed of mental health." I don't need the crazy they've got. I'm cool without the Kool-Aid.

So is this goodbye? Hell no. I'm going to keep writing about everything, because these issues interest me. I'm going to write more about mental health, too, and continue to whine about my shitty life. And plus, we have till May for me to change my mind.

I'm fat, I know it

Did you know that 14% of people with bipolar also have a co-occuring eating disorder? Like the chicken and the egg, did they have an eating disorder before getting fat on meds and getting so depressed about it they stopped eating or took meds that made them binge eat, or did they have the eating disorder before? Who knows! It all runs together. The thing is: we're more likely to try and control our lives through food.

"Control has been attributed as a key motivator behind eating disorders." It's all about control. I am so completely out of control in my life right now that I'm really surprised I haven't started measuring my food again. Oh wait! It's cause I can't find anything. All my measuring cups and things are in storage and dad doesn't have any. So I'm doing weight watchers and eyeball portion sizing everything. I have great control over the things I eat until it comes to cake and cookies. If there's a cookie there, I'll have 3. I can't seem to help myself.

I feel incredibly fat. I can't fit into any of my pants except the ones I bought today, and I can see the rolls of fat when I take a shower. I was so good for a year; so proud to have lost all that weight. I was down to a size 6! Smaller than I ever thought I could be. And now I can't wear any of my clothes. What am I going to do? I need to fit into my jeans, at least, but I can't seem to stay away from the Cadbury Eggs and cookies.

You should have seen the state of my butt, too. I used to have such a nice butt....

Ok! Enough with giving myself issues! I'm going to go to the gym every other day from now on. I'm going to run and do weights. I'm going to follow Weight Watchers and not eat Cadbury Eggs unless I cut out something else. We can do this. By the end of March I will fit into my pants.