Are you a Coke addict?

"His Diet Pepsi cravings stem from a prior addiction to nicotine, not caffeine. 'It's all tied to smoking,' says Bagi, who smoked a pack a day for 20 years and started drinking diet soda to mask the aftertaste of cigarettes. He eventually kicked the smoking habit -- but the Diet Pepsi one stuck."

Ok, honestly, read the whole article. It's interesting all the ways diet soda may be addicting. Caffeine, conditioning, the sugar rush that's just out of reach. All these things could lead to addiction.

I'm going to admit something here: I don't have an addiction. I haven't had a diet Coke today, and I wasn't planning on having one. If I run out I often don't notice for days. But I do like them. I enjoy drinking them, and will order one over water any day. I think the problem with me is I don't like water. It's boring. So I'll drink coffee or diet Coke, or even orange juice, over water.

I only started really drinking soda when I quit drinking booze. It was just a substitute. Something to hold in my hands. And I kept it up because it's convenient and has no calories. I would honestly rather have fruit juice but it has too many calories.

Pick a dart

At the beginning of the study we find out this: "people who drank diet soda every day had a 61 percent higher risk of vascular events." So you're more likely to have a heart attack or stroke if you drink diet soda everyday. Why? "In the study, people who consumed more than 4,000 milligrams (mg) per day of sodium had more than double the risk of stroke compared to those consuming less than 1,500 mg per day."

But diet Coke only has 28mg of sodium in it. So how much sodium are we supposed to get? "Only a third of participants met the current U.S. Dietary Guidelines for Americans that recommend daily sodium intake fall below 2,300 mg, or about a teaspoon of salt, Gardener said. Only 12 percent of subjects met the American Heart Association's recommendations to consume less than 1,500 mg a day. Average intake was 3,031 milligrams."

1.500mg. That's a lot of diet soda to be taking in. I probably don't get that much in soda, and I drink a lot of it. I wonder about taking lithium with the sodas, since the amount of salt in my bloodstream has to be obscene. I don't eat out much, and I don't put salt on my food, so I'm mostly getting it from diet Coke.

I suppose I could just switch to 7-Up, though I doubt there's lithium in it anymore.

Really? Do I have to quit?

Sigh. I've been sighing a lot lately. I know diet Coke isn't the best thing to drink, but I just read something that says it might be worse for people who have already messed up their livers. Of course, a lot of this article just sounds like fear-mongering, but there is evidence that aspartame is bad for you, and bad for weight-loss.

So is 2011 the year I quit drinking soda? It won't be that hard; I only started drinking sodas when I quit drinking booze. But I'm sure it will up my coffee intake. I drink coffee all day long, unless I'm drinking soda. I don't put sugar in it, but I do put fake, powdered creamer, which can't be good for you at all, but has no calories. No calories is more important when you're on your 6th cup of coffee. Even skim milk would put me at 2 glasses a day, which is good for you but bad for calorie counting.

I'm a little obsessive, I know, but my pants don't fit. Again, I should go for a run, but I'm not going to. Why? Because I'm lazy.

Anyway, I'm out of diet Coke right now and I may just not buy any more. I think I'll be fine without it. Instead, I'll try to start drinking water again. I used to drink a lot of water. I just always have to be drinking something. I have a wobbly wrist problem - I just like to tip it back and forth with some sort of liquid in it.

Coffee loves me back

So what's my next addiction I need to handle? Caffeine. I consume about 5 cups of coffee and 3 sodas a day. I know, I know, it'll rot your stomach, etc, etc, but man do I love coffee. Decaf just tastes so gross. I know I could give up soda just fine, because I only really started drinking it when I quit booze. But coffee? Sigh. Why do I love it so?

"Caffeine blocks adenosine reception so you feel alert. It injects adrenaline into the system to give you a boost. And it manipulates dopamine production to make you feel good."

Dopamine! It's always dopamine, isn't it? We've discovered, or you have if you've been following my ramblings, that everything is about dopamine. It is effected by every substance, like coke, booze, nicotine, heroin, and now caffeine. Even mental illness effects your dopamine. So us addicts are really just addicted to dopamine and it's effects, not, perhaps, on specific substances.

Caffeine is just bad for you, too. It causes bone loss, but it's good for something: it reduces memory loss. I know this year isn't the time to give up anything more, especially something that makes me as happy as a cup of coffee. Maybe what I should do is just slow down on the caffeine. Maybe just 3 cups a day, or one cup and one soda.

I feel like I'm addicted to coffee. I have it once I get out of bed, and often drink it till night time. I probably am. I feel like I'm not awake till after the third or fourth cup. Sigh. I love you, dopamine.

Stop talking about it and do it

Thanks to Guinevere over on Guinevere Gets Sober for turning me on to Reverb10. "Reverb 10 is an annual event and online initiative to reflect on your year and manifest what’s next." I am woefully behind, but I'm going to start with yesterday's prompt: what are 11 things my life doesn't need in 2011.

I can not believe it's almost 2011, by the way. I think in 2010 I've been able to get rid of a hell of a lot so far. It's been the year of shedding bad vices and pulling myself into a new way of life. So what else can I shed? What else can I get rid of?

1. Diet Coke. That's right, I can rid myself of one more addiction. Will I do it? Tune in....

2. Laziness. How in the hell is that possible! I have to figure out why I'm so lazy, first, which leads me to....

3. Procrastination.

4. Clothes. I have a Loft addiction, and my closet is bursting with price tags from new clothes. I don't have a lot of closet space, and I sure as hell don't have anywhere else to put things (no dresser space), so it's time to purge.

5. Lying. I've got to stop lying to my sponsor about going to meetings. Jesus, this is like a fourth step list now!

6. All of these things seem to be in the "addict behavior" category. My addictions, like diet Coke and shopping. My behaviors like lying, procrastinating, being lazy, and impulsive. Doing stuff under the radar and doing things I know I shouldn't, like sleeping with Michael and talking about getting married just for the health insurance. All these things are old behaviors I really need to get rid of.

All of these things I can rid myself of, but all in a year? I suppose that's where AA comes in. Actually DOING my fourth step instead of stopping mid-stream and ignoring it for a while. So maybe that's my end of year resolution: do my fourth step.

It's the liver again

Just like the way alcohol affects your liver, smoking does the same. When you smoke, it affects the enzymes in your liver. If you're taking medications like mine, which work through your liver, they can change the medications' effects.

"Some drugs are broken down by these enzymes. Therefore, smoking whilst taking these medications reduces the amount of drug in the blood. There are several drugs which fall into this group, however there are very few which would have the way they worked altered."

So when I quit smoking, perhaps my meds will work better, and I'll be able to go off of one of them. I might get depressed in the beginning, but I'm hoping that since my meds will work better, they will prevent that initial depression.

"Smoking destroys certain vitamins and creates the need for other specific nutrients."

The multi-vitamins I've started to take will work better, too after I quit. It will be nice to only have caffeine in my system as a chemical not needed in the body. One day I'll be able to give up diet Coke, but I'll never give up coffee. I love the way it tastes, and I enjoy it a lot. But diet Coke can go away. I didn't have a problem with it until I quit alcohol, and I think it's just replacing that habit.

The fizzing makes me crazy

Sometimes the sound of a Coke can fizzing makes me crazy. One time while I was on LSD, I started hearing the sound of a Coke fizzing. It was the only thing in my head. It made me super paranoid, like I couldn't hear anything anyone was saying over the noise. So when I open a Coke can now and can hear the bubbles, it just takes me back there. It makes me nervous that I won't be able to get it out of my head anymore.

I haven't been thinking about coke or other drugs lately. In fact, I've been pretty sober, besides the fact that I'm shopping and can't seem to stop eating candy. But it's just that time of the year. I still fit in my pants, which is a good gauge of insanity.

Always something there to remind me

Sometimes when I have a diet Coke it smells like booze. I think it's from all the watered down Jack and diet's I've had in my lifetime. They all start to taste the same, and now I think it's just the diet Coke that reminds me of drinking.

Sometimes cigarettes remind me of booze, too. This afternoon I was smoking a cigarette and it just suddenly flashed on me that it reminded me of booze. Maybe even tasted like it.

I'm not really thinking about drinking at all. I have had the occasional, "wow, a glass of wine is what I would normally use to cure this," kind of thought, but not the desire to drink. I haven't had any booze dreams or anything like that, either. It's pretty amazing not to have turned to a drink at this point. Everything is upside down: I'm in the looking glass. I can see normality on the other side, but I just can't reach it.

You fucked up your brain

Well here's some good news: Your brain is fucked up, but maybe it can repair itself.

The researchers also found that the day after the subjects had consumed alcohol, their brain metabolism had reverted to what it had been prior to the experiment. However, Armin warned that, 'The brain's ability to recover from the effect of alcohol decreases or is eliminated as the consumption of alcohol increases. The acute effects demonstrated in our study could possibly form the basis for the permanent brain damage that is known to occur in alcoholics.'"

And then again, maybe it can't.

You should see the pictures of messed up alcoholic brains. There are some crazy "dead spots" in there. Even the ones of people who drink too much caffeine and smoke too much are really messed up.

All of this could also explain why I learned nothing in college. Alcohol really messes with your memory.

I wonder what my brain looks like, and if it can repair itself one day. I mean, alcohol, cigarettes, caffeine, and mental illness. It's gotta be a mess in there.

But there's hope! "Predictably cognitive functions and motor coordination improve, at least partially, within 3 or 4 weeks of abstinence; cerebral atrophy reverses after the first few months of sobriety." So stuff does come back, eventually, as long as you haven't really torn your brain to shreds. Memory takes the longest, it says, which is funny. The other day a friend of mine said, "I thought your memory was supposed to come back after you quit drinking, but yours is as bad as ever!" Have I told you that before? I always forget what I've already written about, so forgive me if I repeat myself. It should get better as my brain repairs itself, if I let it.

I really need to stop drinking so much diet Coke and coffee, and quit cigarettes. Maybe then I'll only have mental illness and not gigantic, permanent holes in my brain.

Dehydration sucks

I think I'm dehydrated. I've kinda got the shakes, and I know it's not booze related, cause it's been almost 90 days since my last drink. But man have I been inhaling the caffeine.

I have a really addictive personality, apparently. Once I start doing something, I just can't seem to stop. I can't have one anything. If I have one, I want another immediately. I want another cookie. I want another breakfast. I want another cup of coffee or diet Coke. I want to keep running even when I'm tired and hurting. I want to write another blog post. I want to drive a few more miles. I want, I want, I want.

So part of AA is learning to let go of these wants and ask what God wants. Does God want me to have another diet Coke? Apparently not, since he's saying through my body, "Drink some water, damn it!" I should probably do that, huh? I don't know when the last time I drank water was, but I'm sure I could get addicted to it if I tried.

Perhaps cutting back is the answer

"For regular smokers, caffeine takes half as long to process—which, in some ways, explains why smokers often drink more coffee and feel more agitated and anxious, because they're unaware of how their bodies work without cigarettes." What Caffeine Actually Does to Your Brain

So I do need more caffeine than other people - which would explain my now insane addiction to coffee and diet Coke. I've always drunk a lot of coffee, and it has little effect on me. I can sleep right after drinking it, and it doesn't make me wired until I'm on cup #4 or so. And diet Coke. Wow, I went to Costco and bought two giant sized groupings of it - one for home, one for work - and the home one is gone already. It's only been a week and a half!

So I think I should cut back on the caffeine. I'm taking a lot of it in, and it does change your body chemistry, like any addiction will.

"The reasons for the withdrawal are the same as with any substance dependency: your brain was used to operating one way with caffeine, and now it's suddenly working under completely different circumstances, but all those receptor changes are still in place. Headaches are the nearly universal effect of cutting off caffeine, but depression, fatigue, lethargy, irritability, nausea, and vomiting can be part of your cut-off, too, along with more specific issues, like eye muscle spasms."

Um, eye spasms, can't wait. I already have depression, fatigue, and irritability problems without withdrawal symptoms. It's going to be hard to cut back on caffeine and cigarettes, but I have to do something. Habits are expensive!

Getting back on track

The speaker this morning talked about addictions. "I'm addicted to addiction," he said. "It all started with sugar. Anything I can be addicted to, I am."

I totally identify with this. Anything that's addictive, I've had it. Drugs, alcohol, exercise, eating, diet Coke, smoking, men, love, drama. I've had it all. I could probably join all the A groups, like NA, AA, Al-Anon, OA, etc. It's just a never ending stream of addictions.

But I'm working on them. I've left drugs and alcohol in the past, one day at a time. At least for today. I can't speak about tomorrow, because I only have today, but I have the desire to stop those things. I'm working on the eating thing, too, but that's super hard. Like smoking, I eat out of boredom (apparently I blog that way, too.). And I get bored at home by myself a lot. I try to reach out to other people, but it doesn't always work out. I try to go to a lot of meetings, but that's only an hour or two of my day.

I need to get addicted to working out, again. My pants are feeling a little tight, though I bought pants yesterday in my same size. I used to run every day and do weights, but it's been about a month since I've been consistent with that. It stinks, cause during lunch one of my favorite shows (Deadliest Catch) plays on the treadmill tv. I'm so not caught up.

So this week, I promise to work out at least twice. I'm going to do it, damnit. And I'm going to try to cut back on smoking out of boredom. I'm going to start following my diet closer, again. I'm going to cut back on the diet Cokes. Wait! You say. Don't change anything in your first year! Well, these are things I did before I quit booze, so I'm just returning to what May looked like, minus the booze. I think that's a good place to start. Here's to a fresh start.

The sky is falling!

I'm out of diet Coke and I'm not dressed to go to the store! I'm sitting here in pjs (I know it's only 8:30, but I have no life) and am staring at the last diet Coke just sitting there on the floor. It's calling my name (and so is the the Cadbury egg in the fridge), but it's the only one left (don't worry, I have more Cadbury eggs)! What the hell am I going to do with myself once I finish that one?

You know what should concern me more? The fact that I haven't bought groceries since before Adam was here. If there were a natural disaster and I were stuck in my house for a week I'd starve. As of today, I've been subsisting on cereal, wheat milk, tortillas, sliced cheese, and peanut butter. I've made amazing combination's from these things to create full meals, and spiced them up with some frozen vegetables. At least I have salt, too. That goes well with everything.

It didn't worry me ten minutes ago when I ran out of frozen vegetables, but now that I'm out of diet Coke I'm starting to worry. Who cares about eating, what the hell will I drink! Water?!? NOOOO!!!! I need something sweet and addicting. I need to placate my need for booze with something that attacks a different organ.

I suppose it's time to go to the store. Maybe I'll get some food, too.

Diet Coke is my new lover

I love the feel of a good frosty beverage. The way it makes your tongue tingle, and cools your throat. Um, nothing better.

It's not hot yet here, but I'm still already into the cold beverage months. And now, instead of that frosty Blue Moon, I reach for that equally frosty diet Coke. In fact, I went to Costco the other day and got myself one of those gigantic Costco size things of diet Coke to keep in my kitchen and bring to work. I started out with one maybe every other day, and now, today, I'm having two.

That's right. Two. It appears my tendency towards addiction does not stop with drugs, alcohol, or cigarettes. It extends to Coke, eating, running, anything. My obsessive nature wins out and I get on these kicks.

So, I'm also trying to quit smoking, which is apparently super hard. I've done it before - just put them down and not picked them back up for a year or so. Like booze, cigarettes seem to alleviate the stress. As soon as I quit drinking, I ramped up the smoking. Instead of maybe one a day, or a few at night, I'm smoking morning, noon, and night. What the hell?

So this is my last pack. Really. I've been able to just put them down before, and I'll do it again. I'll use the steps to get me through that, too. And diet Coke? I suppose I'll end up drinking even more just to have a filler, and then I need to cut that off, too. Let's go for free of addictions by year's end! Except running. I think that might be a good addiction.