I'm fat, I know it

Did you know that 14% of people with bipolar also have a co-occuring eating disorder? Like the chicken and the egg, did they have an eating disorder before getting fat on meds and getting so depressed about it they stopped eating or took meds that made them binge eat, or did they have the eating disorder before? Who knows! It all runs together. The thing is: we're more likely to try and control our lives through food.

"Control has been attributed as a key motivator behind eating disorders." It's all about control. I am so completely out of control in my life right now that I'm really surprised I haven't started measuring my food again. Oh wait! It's cause I can't find anything. All my measuring cups and things are in storage and dad doesn't have any. So I'm doing weight watchers and eyeball portion sizing everything. I have great control over the things I eat until it comes to cake and cookies. If there's a cookie there, I'll have 3. I can't seem to help myself.

I feel incredibly fat. I can't fit into any of my pants except the ones I bought today, and I can see the rolls of fat when I take a shower. I was so good for a year; so proud to have lost all that weight. I was down to a size 6! Smaller than I ever thought I could be. And now I can't wear any of my clothes. What am I going to do? I need to fit into my jeans, at least, but I can't seem to stay away from the Cadbury Eggs and cookies.

You should have seen the state of my butt, too. I used to have such a nice butt....

Ok! Enough with giving myself issues! I'm going to go to the gym every other day from now on. I'm going to run and do weights. I'm going to follow Weight Watchers and not eat Cadbury Eggs unless I cut out something else. We can do this. By the end of March I will fit into my pants.