Intentions

I wish I could read people's minds sometimes, though some of the fun is figuring out people. "Don't overthink it," Adam always reminds me. But most of my overthinking is because of him. Most of the people I know say what they mean and act the same way. He's so... bipolar! He says, "I want to be friends. I'm not looking for anything right now but working on myself." And then he says, "I want to spend more alone time with you," and kisses me on the neck. He was petting my hair (I got a haircut) and I asked him if he liked it and he just said, "I like you."

So, here I am, overthinking it. Does he want to date? Is this what all the touching and kissing is about? What does he mean he wants to spend more time alone with me? We see each other about as much as normal friends see each other.... So I'm all up in my head, and trying not to be. I have to go with what he has explicitly said. Like the saying goes, when people show you who they are, believe them. And he's shown me he's just as confused as I am.

Jennifer thinks I should just ask him point blank: do you want to be with me? And if not I should stop talking to him. I don't think it's to that point. I think I'm confused over whether I would want to be with him. Sure, my body wants him, and I feel happy and comfortable around him, but there's a lot that worries me. He's kinda racist and pigheaded when he talks. I know he's not racist, but people who don't know him might get the wrong idea. And he acts and dresses like a young boy, not a 30 something. Which is fine, but bugs me sometimes.

I think if we ever did get back together we would need couples counseling. He's still mad at me for breaking up with him 6 years ago. We would have to talk some of that old stuff out, methinks.

It's raining.

Don't be discouraged

The topic the other night was discouragement. I've been discouraged in my life, but definitely by the program of AA. It was such a difference moving cross country, and then getting involved with the young people, which I should have known wasn't my scene. What's sad is I spent almost a year at my dads and never found a meeting I felt like I could call my home group, but I've been up north 2 months and I miss the people at my Tuesday meeting. AA feels more comfortable up here. I like these people: they're real.

So yeah, I was discouraged, and I backed away for a time. But I also came to realize that I feel better when I go to meetings. It strengthens me for the day to come. I like to hear everyone's stories and listen to the laughter. It's good for me.

I think I'm going to hit a noon meeting, now.

Promise

One day at a time

All things resolve themselves in time. That's why it's one day at a time, right?

My mom said something interesting to me. "What if your father thinks you getting tattoos is a rejection of him, and that's why he doesn't want you to show them off to him." Oh. I never thought about it like that. Maybe it's not a rejection of me, maybe he thinks it's about him. Maybe the best course of action is to not take it personally and to just continue not showing my tattoos around him. Let it go. No resentments.

I can't seem to sleep tonight. But that's fine, since both Adam and Michael are coming home from long trips and have stuff they want to talk about. I feel bad sitting here upstairs talking at midnight, but I'm sure my typing could be heard around the house as well. Adam went racing this weekend, which sounded like fun! It sounds like he did a good job, too. Michael went camping with a bunch of my old friends, and I'm a little jealous, but oh well.

Anne and the very bad day

Sometimes you've got to dig deep and grab that small part of you that might be excited, and hold on to it. I had interviews number 30 and 31 the other day, and I just don't care. People ask how they went, and I don't know. It's all the same. They're just like all the others that didn't call me back. I'm just feeling jaded. And then Adam and I got into a fight, my dad told me I should never show my tattoos around him, and I lost my contact in my eye. All petty shit, right? But it builds up.

So let's dissect this: my dad basically told me to keep pretending to be something I'm not while I'm with him. He doesn't like the real me - the one covered in tattoos. It's not like I ever curse around him or do anything else I do with others, but pretending to be the "good girl" forever sucks while it's 94 degrees and you have to wear a sweater to cover up your tattoo. Why can't he accept and love me for who I am? That's a hard lesson I just had to learn, and part of the reason I moved cross-country last time. It just makes me want to run away again.

Adam and I got in a fight. He said he was going to come up north with me for the week, and then bailed because he got a better offer. I don't blame him for bailing - he was asked to do something really cool and special - but he does this a lot. "I'll call you back," and then it's weeks before you hear from him. "I'm coming out," and then you don't know his travel plans till the day before, or even if he's coming or not. It's selfish to keep your plans to yourself. I think the biggest part, besides the not being able to plan around his word, is that I get excited to see him and then he bails at the last minute. Sure, he shows up when there's trouble, and I can always count on him then, but I think it's because he likes the chaos. When it's just he and I, I can never trust that he's coming. I don't deserve to be treated like that. I don't know how to talk to him about it because he just wasn't hearing me before.

And that's pretty much it. I'm just frustrated and a little disappointed in people.

Kvetching time!

I haven't been paid (unemployment) in almost 2 months, I gave myself shin splints in my driving leg, and I think I'm getting fatter despite working out twice a day. No, I'm just turning everything I've got into muscle, but it still makes my shorts tight. Baah.

I've applied to about 1,000 jobs at this point, and I'm still unemployed. My brain hurts just thinking about it. And I don't care about what I'm trained to do, anymore. I'm sick of it. I wish I had a passion for something else, but I don't. I just go with the flow most of the time. Sure, I love a lot of things, but they mostly involve unstructured things or sports.

All in all, my life is pretty good. I still have the money to cover my bills because I was such a penny pincher before. I still have my car and a place to live. I'm getting free exercise classes all summer and time with family members I hadn't been around before. I am grateful for everything, really, I am.

It all comes out in the wash

"Mom, you're drunk! I've known since I was 7 how to tell when you're drunk." -From a 15 year old.

I hope I never have to hear those words from my future kids. My cousin might drink a little much. Her soon to be ex sure does. Tonight, we were at a party and they were both there. Their daughter was visibly uncomfortable to have them in the same room, and wouldn't leave her mom's side. My cousin then made a crack at her ex, and now the 15 year old wants to move out and in with friends. "I don't want to live with either of you!" I kinda don't blame her.

When my parents got divorced, I chose to live with my dad. He's harmless, stable, and a good guy. Not that my cousin isn't a good person, but she's got some rough traits. She's bossy, she picks at the kids sometimes, and she is so angry with her ex that it shows. She should be: he dicked her over and left her for a 26 year old. I'd be pissed, too. But sometimes the way she acts is childish. She needs to pull it together, if only for the kids sake, but for hers, too. She can't live like this. And she's drowning her feelings in booze, which just makes her text her ex and say mean things.

Life is complicated. Kids are complicated. Divorce is messy. There's no way to end an 18 year relationship without complications, but the two of them are making it harder on themselves, and the kids. I don't know what to do. I'm just a fly on the wall right now. I feel it's not my place to butt in, so I only give advice when asked. We'll see how the rest of the summer goes.