Permission

They say in the program, we'll love you until you can love yourself. And you know what's funny? I love myself, now. I didn't used to.

I always thought it was just part of being bipolar. I had an innate hatred of myself. I used and abused every substance I could just to keep down that pain, to keep from feeling just how much I didn't like myself. I would wake up in the mornings and think, shit. Another day.

And then this program came along, and I stopped abusing myself. I stopped treating myself like shit. I started taking time to notice my feelings and work through them. I started doing little things for myself. Even just the buying myself flowers thing totally worked. Little by little, I started to like me.

I never know what I'm going to say in a meeting, but tonight I recounted that. "And the best part, is today, I gave myself permission to do something I've always wanted to do. I looked into a PhD program. I realized I liked myself enough to spend that time and money on improving myself. And that's only thanks to the program of recovery that AA offers."

So tonight, I'm celebrating me. I'm taking a shower, and going to bed.

Happy Mother's Day

There were so many mom issues brought up in the meetings today. Everyone either feels failed by, or failed their moms. It's amazing what power the person who carried us can still have over us, for the rest of our lives. What an amazing burden to put on someone! I've always believed that my mom is human, and defective, and can make mistakes. She tried as hard as she could to do a good job, and when she couldn't try anymore she at least made sure she had married a partner who could.

I don't know how I feel about my mom. I mean, I can sit here and say I love her, and I do because she's my mom, but I have massive resentments still. See, even though I know she's human and fallible doesn't mean I can't still resent the things she did. I know she often had no control, because of her mental illness and her own upbringing, but it's hard to forgive someone who abandoned you. Yes, she's a big part of my life even now, but I resent her a lot.

My dad always says love is built on trust. I don't trust her. I was always waiting for that other shoe to drop - for her to really lose it. There have been times I've plotted to kill her, and times she's almost killed me. Death has always been a constant in our relationship. I look at her scarred wrists and wonder, what if she had succeeded one of those times? What if she wasn't here anymore? Could I forgive her then, or would I be even more resentful?

What's nice is after 15 years of therapy I can say it wasn't about me. She didn't "do that to me," she just did things and they had ripple effects. She was never out to get me when she was hurting herself.

I still worry that she's going to kill herself, and it's been 6 years since she last tried. I still think that when she doesn't call she must be dead. Sometimes I walk up to her apartment half expecting it to be splattered in blood. It's happened before. I don't think I can ever trust her. But love? I think I can love her. I'm learning.

Don't get forgetful

Did I take my drugs this morning? I have no idea. I got up at an unGodly hour to meet someone in the city for a meeting and I may have forgotten to take them. It's probably ok, though, cause I think I might be getting a little manic. I'm booked for lunch and dinner all week, which hardly ever happens. It's only 2 and I've already been to two meetings and breakfast. I was supposed to go to a movie tonight with a friend, but I'm slowing myself down. I rescheduled for Tuesday.

It feels good to go to meetings, even when sometimes it's just the crazy people talking about their diabetes. I suppose sometimes you just need to get stuff like that off your chest. Even if it's not AA related.

Swinging that sword

The speaker this morning talked about how her drinking never had consequences, like DUIs or loss of family, but that she always had a sense of impending doom. She always felt like that sword of Damocles was about to drop on her head. That's how I felt. I knew something would happen. Some day I was bound to get a DUI or something car related like an accident. I may not have become a "rock bottom" drunk, but it was getting to the point where something bad was going to happen, and it was going to rock my world.

As I come up on my anniversary I get more and more grateful for sobriety. I'm glad I found it when I did, too! This past year would have been hell or death if I was still using. I couldn't have made it. Who knows what would have happened. It's just another example of the promises coming true: God doing for me what I couldn't for myself.

A few people have asked what I'm going to do to celebrate for my anniversary. I might be up north, so I don't know. There's a meeting that night, so I'm definitely going to that, but maybe I can find some sober people to take me out to dinner. If I stay here, I think I'll do a marathon meeting day. I'll hit an 8:30am, noon, 5:30pm, and 8:30pm. I suppose sobriety is present enough.

Just jump

Well, Adam and Roger are down with the will, so that's settled. I had a great breakfast with Roger this morning and he had some great advice on life in general.

"You don't give yourself enough credit. You've been through some shit, and I've never seen you fail. You always come out ahead. So, in the unemployment situation, you've got time to discover what you really want. What do you really want?"

I want to travel. I want to write. I wouldn't mind combining those two things and making something of it. He suggested I start a blog (ha ha) and write about where we live now as a travel blog for visitors. It is a highly touristed place, and there are all sorts of cool things that most people never learn about. And I'd be glad to experience them again to get a fresh perspective.

I'm going to the college Monday to talk to a professor about a program there. It's a program I've always wanted to study, but thought I could never do anything with. I think I'm beginning to see a future in it, all based on writing.

"The people who are the biggest successes take the biggest risks," said Roger. "I'm risk-averse, too, so I know you feel nervous doing something that's not a steady paycheck, but if it's something you love, you should do it!" I love him.

A little love

Smoke a dope

Waiting, waiting. Traffic sucks, apparently.

I think smoking makes me more anxious. I'm almost done with this pack and then I can quit again. Really, I could just throw then away, but what a waste of nicotine. I have a problem.

I'm seeing Adam tonight to watch our show, and so I'm going to have to take a shower beforehand. I'm sure we'll be cuddling - we always do - and he hates the smell of smoke. He hates that I smoke, I think. It's a nasty habit. It smells. I'm not smoking anymore. Three more, that's it.