Little girl lost

Am I manic or is my sleep schedule just off? Am I depressed or just stressed out about this decision to go back to school? I think it's just stress, really. I can't sleep during the night, but I take naps all day. I don't know what it is. Maybe the night driving really screwed me up. Who knows. Could be anything.

I am awake, though, and done with my online shopping. I checked out school and the requirements for my masters again and found a class I was supposed to sign up for but didn't know about. I just signed up and emailed the professor that I can't make the first day of class because I have to work. It's, of course, scheduled for all the three days I thought I didn't have classes and could work, so now my work schedule is going to be screwy. I hope they don't fire me. I just can't open the store anymore. But I can work from 10:30am on, so that should be ok. I hope.

The other two jobs haven't started yet, and it seems like one is going to be funny. They keep rescheduling, so I don't think they are going to want to work when it's snowy, either. I bet it's going to be really random whether I will work or not. I hate random. I like a schedule. But it looks like my life is going to be random for the next few years. I don't know what any of it will look like.

I'm meeting with my adviser on Monday to discuss my path. I hope he can give me some more insight into what I should be doing. I'm a little lost right now.

FML

What in the hell did I sign myself up for? I'm going to be reading and writing for the next few years on theology. This is good, though, cause I was reading it for pleasure anyway. Might as well get graded on it... Right?

But man am I nervous. School is daunting. There's so much to do and so much to prepare for, but I'm not sure what to do next. I need to find housing, but I don't have to cause it's ok if I stay here; I just don't want to. I can't find housing till I get my loan refund, which will be in September.

I'm really nervous about starting work, too. I got a retail job, which is awesome because I get great discounts and it's nice and mindless, but the shock of making $50,000 a year to $9 an hour is amazing. It's kind of an ego blow as well as a pocket blow. I was looking at my resume and I built up from this, and now I'm back? What the hell? I feel almost defeated at the fact that I'm back in retail.

But here I am. A working girl again.

Scheduled panic

My schedule for the next 4 months is insane. School Tues, Thurs, Fri. Farmer's markets Thu, Sun. Field hockey all Sat. And then I have to fit a retail job in there somewhere on Mon and Weds. I'll have no time to myself, cause any down time will be spent studying. It's good, though. Keeping busy is a big plus. And working three jobs is ok, cause two are low key. But I'm still panicking.

But hey, guess what's cool? I don't want to drink! I have no urge to get loaded whatsoever. I am chain smoking, though, but I suppose that's normal for stress and a smoker. It supposedly relieves stress by altering the chemicals in your brain. Who knows.

A pretty picture

Just thought I'd put something nice up. Today was much better than the rest of the week. Things seem to have sorted themselves out nicely. I think I'm going to go see my grandma this weekend, as she's only 2 hours away from where I am. It would be the nice thing to do.

Man, I've got to stop taking care of others. Diane was saying she thinks I've spent my life caring for others, to my detriment. I don't know myself of my path. But I do, now. I'm going back to school for something I love to do something I've always seen myself doing. And no one likes it. I called Diane's mom, who has a PhD, and we talked about the haters. "It sounds like you know you should do this. Don't let them discourage you." I think she's right.

The app is in

I hit the button. I pressed send on my application to grad school and sent off my requests for transcripts and references. Now, it's up to me to pass the GRE and up to the school to decide whether they want me in their program. I've had contact with two of the professors, so hopefully they will recognize my name and let me join them in research-ville.

I'm so nervous, now. What if they say no? I suppose I would just have to try again next year. It's the only program that looks like it has what I want. It's a small field, and so there aren't that many options, plus it's just right here in the city. My nerves are all a mess.

"I knew it was coming," say Tom, one of my references. He said, "With your love of learning, I knew one day you would go back to school." I asked Michael to be a reference, since he's known me for a long time, and he said he wouldn't even have to lie, that he really thinks I'd be a good candidate. Jennifer is my third reference, and she gladly hopped aboard this crazy train. I promised them all a shout out on my graduation cap, whenever that happens.

Of course, as soon as I hit send an employer called me looking for an interview.

Hypomani is not fun

It's 4:30am now, and I'm still awake. I've sent all the emails I can send in order to prepare for tomorrow (I'm asking some folks to be my grad references tomorrow), and I've applied for Federal grants already. I completed my grad school application, and am just waiting on confirmation of my references in order to hit send.

That's it. That's all it takes: filling in a bunch of forms and maybe writing a short essay. Now I have to do a bunch of paperwork like getting my transcripts sent, sending out reference forms, and taking my GRE. Once I do all those things, the college can evaluate me for admission. I hope they admit me for the fall. I really think this program would be an incredible mental exercise and lead me in a completely different direction in life.

But I do need a job in the meantime. I'm still applying and looking all over the place, and there's just nothing. Now that I've decided to go back to school, the prospects look even dimmer. There's just nothing out there that really speaks to me. But I've got to find something....

What's on my mind

I was talking to Michael again tonight, and he said some stuff that I need to think about. We were talking about me going back to school and finding a job in the meantime, since I need to pay for it somehow.

"You're not cut out for corporate culture. You're a dirty hippie. Not in a bad way, but you just don't fit in with the schmoozers." He's totally right. I hate schmoozing. I hate "managing up" and all that bullshit. I want a group of my peers running things. And I think that's what I'll find in academia. I don't know. I really don't.

I talked to my cousin today and her license was only suspended for 60 days, so I have till July 18 to get my ass in shape. I think that's doable. I'll drive her around, go to meetings, study for the GRE, and run. Sounds like a good summer to me!

Northern exposure

I just talked to my cousin up north, the one who got a DUI, and they reduced her charges to reckless, which means she only loses her license for 60 days. I'm headed up there on the 18th and I'm going to stay till July 19th. She's promised me days of running and yoga (and no diet Coke!), so I fully expect to be fit when I return.

I'm taking the GRE on the 18th of July. I'm a little nervous about it. I know I can do the English section just fine, but math? Hm. Math was never my forte. It's always a little intimidating to me, especially fractions. I had all the help in the world and yet could never get it. It just doesn't speak to me.

Speaking of speak, in the graduate program I'm going to apply for you have to design your own program, but there's still the regular PhD requirements. What are those, you say? One is being reading comprehensive in two languages other than English. So, we're back to French! Maybe I'll try Spanish, too, or just stick with German or Russian. I at least know the alphabet in those.

I really hope I get into the program!

Permission

They say in the program, we'll love you until you can love yourself. And you know what's funny? I love myself, now. I didn't used to.

I always thought it was just part of being bipolar. I had an innate hatred of myself. I used and abused every substance I could just to keep down that pain, to keep from feeling just how much I didn't like myself. I would wake up in the mornings and think, shit. Another day.

And then this program came along, and I stopped abusing myself. I stopped treating myself like shit. I started taking time to notice my feelings and work through them. I started doing little things for myself. Even just the buying myself flowers thing totally worked. Little by little, I started to like me.

I never know what I'm going to say in a meeting, but tonight I recounted that. "And the best part, is today, I gave myself permission to do something I've always wanted to do. I looked into a PhD program. I realized I liked myself enough to spend that time and money on improving myself. And that's only thanks to the program of recovery that AA offers."

So tonight, I'm celebrating me. I'm taking a shower, and going to bed.

Just jump

Well, Adam and Roger are down with the will, so that's settled. I had a great breakfast with Roger this morning and he had some great advice on life in general.

"You don't give yourself enough credit. You've been through some shit, and I've never seen you fail. You always come out ahead. So, in the unemployment situation, you've got time to discover what you really want. What do you really want?"

I want to travel. I want to write. I wouldn't mind combining those two things and making something of it. He suggested I start a blog (ha ha) and write about where we live now as a travel blog for visitors. It is a highly touristed place, and there are all sorts of cool things that most people never learn about. And I'd be glad to experience them again to get a fresh perspective.

I'm going to the college Monday to talk to a professor about a program there. It's a program I've always wanted to study, but thought I could never do anything with. I think I'm beginning to see a future in it, all based on writing.

"The people who are the biggest successes take the biggest risks," said Roger. "I'm risk-averse, too, so I know you feel nervous doing something that's not a steady paycheck, but if it's something you love, you should do it!" I love him.

What to do

Damnit, it's 3:30 in the morning and I'm not going to get any sleep any time soon. And, I have cigarettes, but my insomniac dad is still up reading a book in the living room. No smoking for me. Damn.

I've been talking to Michael all night and the more I think about it the better it seems to go back to school. I mean, I love school. I love learning. I love reading. I love attending lectures. I really do. And I think the topic would hold my interest. Everything will just fall into place. I have to trust that.

Why's it so hard to just let go? Because I don't have the luxury my mom has of being taken care of. I would never just rely on my dad. I've been here 7 months and I feel awful about it. I want to pay rent, or something, but I'm too broke to bring it up. I feel like I have to move out after a year. Anything over a year is just pathetic. Ugh. Just thinking about that is making me sad. 7 months of living at home, basically doing nothing but traveling every now and again and hitting some meetings.

I got rid of my couch and moved everything into cheaper (free) storage at my moms apartment building. I think with the money I'm saving I can move out at the end of the summer. So I'll give myself till September. If I don't have a job by then, I'll get a room with some other folks. Let's go do the budget....

Learning

Was just talking to Michael and he had some good suggestions. "You were working in that field but you hated it. You're too smart to have to go to work and drag yourself in to do the least amount of effort. That's bullshit. Why don't you look into doing something you at least like and let the financial stuff come later."

I was really only working for the money. Not that I was making much, but I found a career path and stuck with it only because I was making money and had the potential to make more. I was just working to afford rent and plane tickets. But why not do something I like to do. What do I like to do? Well, I like to study. I like to write. There's a program that looks excellent at a university near here, but it would be putting myself in debt for no financial return. The program would just lead to... I don't really even know. But nothing big. Academia, more than likely.

I might just do it anyway. I emailed the lead professor to see if we can get together and talk about it. I would really have fun with the program, but I need some sort of job anyway. I suppose I could live off grants. Live in the graduate housing block on campus. Not so bad.

The big shitty part is I would have to take the GRE again. I sucked at it the first time, and that was 9 years ago. There's an algebra section, which I will surely fail miserably. I failed algebra 4 times in high school, barely making a C to pass finally. I am notoriously bad at math. I really don't want to take the test. But I suppose it's a necessary evil.

A new plan dawns

I was rereading some of my ramblings and something has become abundantly clear: I don't like working behind a desk, and I'm super bored doing what I'm doing. So then why am I looking for work in a boring field? If I'm not going to be mentally stimulated, then why even try to work again? Why not come up with something that will make me happy? I was pricing some items yesterday at work, just going through the motions and was peacefully listening to my music. I like retail. I'm fine with working hard physically. And as people came in I remembered that I like interacting. I like to do things with people.

My dad was wandering in earlier (nope, he's still not asleep. He's watching the weather channel and eating some soup I just made), and we started talking about what I would be good at. "Anne, everyone always tells you you're a great writer, and I think you would be great at teaching. Why don't you do that?" That, referring to the program of study that I would like to do but which would just be fun for me and not career related. Well, why the hell couldn't I make fun my career? Why couldn't I do something like that? Just because the only job you can get in that field is teacher doesn't mean I'm excluded from that field. Hell, both my parents were teachers at some point in their careers.

So I've made up my mind. I'm no longer going to apply for positions. If one of the things I applied to until now offers me a job I'll consider it (especially for the health care), but my plan is to start on the road to a PhD. That's right, Dr. Anne. I just laughed out loud as I typed it. It's something I've always wanted to do, I've just never thought I could pull it off. Well screw it, I can always try. I have 8 years of skills in something else that I can fall back on now, so I might as well try to do something I love.

My plan is to meet with the university (I am REALLY lucky in that a local university has just the program I am looking for) and talk to them about the process, the potential outcomes, and if they are really what I'm looking for. I'll assess the program, take my GRE again, and start applying places. I wouldn't start a program till fall, which gives me time to take out loans and start language programs. I would have to be fluent in two languages other than English, which is a bummer cause I'm totally not.

I have a friend who is doing school and living on loans. I think I'd take out enough to pay off my car and credit cards, and then move out once I start the program. I need to think through the money thing a little more, but that's the initial plan.

Stick with the winners

As I left the retreat, Sister Bonnie said to me, "I know I'll see you back here. You can see it in your face: you want this. Stick with the winners."

I do want this. I want a better connection to my God. I want a better, drug free life (even cigarettes), I want to grow enough to help other people overcome their addictions. Maybe I should go back to school for social work or counseling. Addiction counseling would be interesting, but I would want some mental health training there, too. I bet the college of social work at my old university would take me. I could get a reference from my old therapist. What an interesting thing to think of.

I could even go back and get a master's in religion (I have my BA in religious studies), and do religious counseling. Maybe even one day lead a retreat like we just had: small, intimate groups. I hate big speaking events.

A change is in store. Let's see what it is.