Emily calls

Thanks to the magic power of the internet and telephones, I had a Skype conversation with Emily just now. It was great to hear from her. She sounds a little down - they still haven't found good friends where they moved to, but she's got some folks to talk to and their baby has people to play with. And she's pregnant again! I'm so excited. It's a great thing - they're really great parents. She's coming back in October for a few weeks, so I'm going to make seeing her a priority.

Whenever I get a little jealous of her life - married, kids, living overseas, good job - I remember that life is rough wherever you are. All those things are tough, and she's just doing the best with what she's got. So I've got a different life, so what! We all knew I would. I wasn't destined for normalcy.

So what am I destined for? I don't know. But one thing it will involve is travel. I'd like to go out and see her, but it's around $2,500 to fly out, and I just don't have that kind of money. So we'll see. Maybe I'll suck it up and put it on my credit card and go see her next year while she's on maternity leave. I miss her so much.

Little green monster

My best friend Emily is also bipolar. Other than that, we have very little in common, especially now. Why is she still my best friend? You know, it's just one of those unexplainable connections. Anyway, right now I'm super jealous of her. Sure, she's got the husband and the kid, which is cool but probably not going to be my life. That I'm ok with. But she just got promoted and moved halfway around the world for her job. Now THAT makes me burn green.

I've always wanted to travel for work. I am also unemployed, which makes the jealousy sting a little bit. But I'm trying to be supportive. I'm cheering for her via Facebook and commenting on the videos she's posting. I'm planning to go see her once I get a job and can take a vacation from it. I'm watching the weather over there and hoping her curly hair can stay down and not frizz too much. But man am I jealous.

I suppose it's a natural emotion when someone close to you gets something you want and you don't even have anything close to it. I will probably never travel for work in the line of work I've chosen. I hardly get to get out of the office at all, let alone move for a job. It might also help that she's been in the same company since she graduated college. I tend to move once a year. I know, it's not good, but I don't have the attention span for long-term commitments.

I'm just going to sit here and pout for a minute. Poop.

Recap: National Football Day

So I didn't make it on a run today, but I did get to see Emily and her family. She's in town for a week with her family visiting her parents and I got to go over and eat warm turkey sandwiches with lots of gravy, and homemade apple pie. Oh man, so good. The pie especially. It was easy, too, they offered me a beer and I just said no. When they started mixing up the Bailey's milkshakes I just said I should get going and headed back home. I blamed the snow, but I really didn't want to hang out while they all got wasted. They're a very drunk family, but very funny and wonderfully supportive.

Adam texted this morning, after reading yesterdays post, and said, "Sometimes you're really thick." I honestly don't know what he means. I honestly don't know what you mean! He's been telling me he doesn't know how he feels about me, and that he doesn't want anything, so why shouldn't I believe him? It was a wonderful kiss, but I am taking it as just that: a kiss. It doesn't mean he wants me, unless he says so. Right? I mean, I'm trying not to read into anything. I'm trying to be objective here. 3 weeks ago I would have taken it as a sign of something. Should I? I told him I'd come back and test the mistletoe again, but he didn't text back.

Anyway, I had pie, again, so it's time to go for a run tomorrow. I'll have lots of time to space out or think then. I'll probably space. It's nice to just stare at the scenery when you run. It's like meditation time. You get to clear your mind of everything but the sound and feel of your feet hitting the pavement and the feeling in your lungs. Sometimes I count my steps just for the rhythm of it. 1,2, 3, 4....

Dreaming of Bud

I had a dream last night that was so real. I was with some friends, cleaning up after a party, and talking to one of them. I reached out to clean something up, and the next thing I knew I had taken a swig of a Bud lite. I could taste it. I could feel it in my mouth and actually taste it. Suddenly, I got really worried. I didn't even remember wanting it or reaching for it, or even taking that swig! I wasn't sure if I should just get wasted now that I'd ruined everything, or if I should just freak out and call my sponsor.

The thing is, no one I know drinks Bud lite, nor did I (since high school).

I woke up without the taste in my mouth, and went to a meeting. I've heard people say they have booze dreams, but I'd never had one before. It was just so real.

Emily called today to talk about AA. She was really supportive, and asked if I had a sponsor and all sorts of other questions. She was great. I wasn't sure if she would remind me of her trip through AA and try to discourage me, or not. She didn't even try, she just laughed about her time there and had good questions. I told her about the quitting smoking and cutting thing, and she told me I'm an idiot for not calling her first. Honestly, it never popped into my mind to call someone. I just don't think like that most of the time. It's just not like me to reach out. But I will next time.

We talked about a lot of things, and it was really good to catch up with her. I need to call my friends more often.

My first time in AA

This is technically my first time in AA, but my second time attending meetings.

See, when I was 16 Emily had a drinking problem. No, not me (ha ha), but her. She and I would go out and smoke a lot of pot and drink with our buddies. Since we were in the suburbs, we would go sit under the highway overpass and try not to fall down the gravel into the ravine below. We would spend every day there after school.

I was a happy drunk/druggie. I would just sit around and smile at people, or try to get people to do fun things like rolling down hills and skipping. Emily was a bit more of a fight starter (theme in my friends, really). She would steal cars and get into tons of trouble. She ended up in a mental hospital, and they told her she should go to AA. So she went. And she loved it.

She immediately fell in with a new group of friends, and even got a tattoo on her chest of the AA logo. She had such a great time, that she would ask me to come to meetings with her. So I did. But....

I would get drunk or high, usually high, before hand. I would come into the meeting, get my coffee, and when they asked if anyone had 24 hours I would raise my hand. "Hi, I'm Anne," I would say. Everyone would clap, and sometimes I would get a 24-hour chip. I thought it was fucking hilarious. Emily never laughed. She took it a bit more seriously than I did.

I think I still have one of those chips somewhere.

I don't think I ever looked at the steps, or even listened to what they were saying. I learned the Serenity Prayer, and I'm sure I skimmed through the Big Book once or twice waiting for the meeting to be over. If only I had looked. Well, I suppose I wouldn't have seen anything.

Adam took me to a meeting once or twice early in his sobriety. He said he needed support, but I know better now. He wanted me to hear something I needed to. I remember sitting beside him listening to the speaker and wanting to cry. I don't remember what he said, but I remember his story being so touching.

I've had my run-ins with AA before. I'm happy to say I think it's sticking this time.

It's story time, kids

I apparently have a lot on my mind today, so I'm just going to keep writing till I can't think anymore. Oblivion by blog.

One summer my best friend Emily and I went to Atlantic City with her mom and aunt, and we spent the night gambling away in a casino. We ended up in a dive bar and were approached by two Mafia looking guys. They bought us some drinks, and then introduced the fact that they had a pound of coke they were looking to share. Awesome! So we hoped into their town car (complete with driver) and headed off the their yacht in the Trump marina. Yeah, I know, Mafia.

Emily went down below deck with one guy and (she says) talked all night. Me, being the addict I am, stayed above deck drinking with the other dude, and doing all the coke I could possibly snort. Like, really. I "woke up" sitting in the chair talking about God knows what, and looked to see that 2/3 of the coke was gone. I had apparently blacked out till sunrise.

Wait, why am I lying on my blog? Oh yeah, Adam, don't look. I woke up with the dude going down on me. I don't know how he got there, but thank God I didn't have sex with him.

I went below and got Emily, and she grabbed the rest of the coke on our way out. Then I fell off the boat onto the dock. My knee was bleeding, and I was laughing my ass off, but she didn't care. "We have to get back!" She was all worried that her mom would be mad, but I figured there was no use hurrying. Either they knew we didn't come home last night, or they'd know soon enough.

Anyway, we did the rest of the coke the next week. It's amazing I didn't have a heart attack that night, or overdose again. This was in college, and I wasn't on any medication then, so no drug interactions, but still. That would have been awful. I bet those guys would have just thrown my ass overboard and left. Another night I should have been dead or raped. Another night I was incredibly lucky. Or blessed, as it might be.