I slept with my ex boyfriend

Story. Of. My. Life. I've slept with all my ex's after we broke up. It's just a thing I do. I can totally separate having once been with them and the act of sex. Except Adam. We never slept together after we broke up. I think I just respect him too much to treat him as a piece of meat. Anyways... I have no problem treating the rest of my ex's like a piece of meat. I'm such a bitch. I digress.

On my last bender, it all started with a potential boyfriend. I met him on eHarmony (my aunt was doing a social experiment where she made my cousins and I join and then send her stories. Living vicariously). We went out for the second time, and drank our way through dinner (well, I think we had an appetizer) and then went back to his house to drink more. He has an apartment in the city with a penthouse suite and a roof deck overlooking the whole city. We had agreed by then that we were better off friends, and so we just drank and told stories till 4am. We eventually made it downstairs, and since I'd missed public transit, I just stayed. I was totally late to work the next day. And kinda drunk. It was a Thursday.

Not four days later, my first boyfriend ever came into town for a conference. This is where it gets hairy. I hadn't really stopped drinking since the affair the last week, and now here was this heavy drinker to take me out. He's rich, so we went to all the expensive restaurants in the city while he was here (2 days, 3 restaurants, so not all of them). The first night, we actually ate dinner, but had two bottles of really good wine with it. Then, of course, we weren't finished. We went to a bar and had a couple of beers, and then decided to go to another bar and take shots. All I remember is on shot number 4 saying cheers. Then I don't remember anything until I woke up, naked, with him lying naked at my feet. Luckily we had somehow made it to the hotel room.

Of course, it was 9am and I had to be at a meeting my boss and co-worker were co-presenting. It started at 8:30, half an hour from where I was. And I was wearing what I wore to work the day before. And I was DRUNK, still. So I did what any self-respecting girl does on the walk of shame: I stopped by Old Navy and bought a new outfit. I got to work (where I had left my car, and someone had keyed it [resentment!]) and dropped my clothes in the car. I checked my credit card statement, and I had spent $170 on shots. How in the hell do you do that?? No wonder I was still drunk. I showed up at the meeting and sweated it out. About halfway through, I was getting sober (from all the coffee) and started shaking and sweating. I was a hot mess.

The next night, cause I'm a glutton for punishment, we did it again, only I made him pay this time. I have no idea what we drank, but I didn't wake up naked this time, which is a plus. I walked down to Old Navy again and bought another dress. I made it to my car only to find TWO flat tires. Sigh. So I called AAA and had them tow me home. I called my boss and told her I had broken down on the way to work (this was already an hour after I was supposed to have been there for the second day of the meeting). I got to take a shower and wash some of the booze and cigarettes off of me. Whew! By the time I got my car back it was noon and I had missed half the meeting, and walked in during lunch. I was sweaty and shaky again, but at least I (probably) didn't smell like booze.

AND THEN, another friend came into town. He's not an ex, but close enough. We went out drinking, but not too hardcore. At least, he didn't. I had a party at my house the day he was supposed to leave, and I got so drunk I was literally falling down. I actually am really embarrassed about that one. I need to apologize to him for my behavior that day. I was probably still wasted from Tuesday, shot night.

By that next Wednesday I was done with alcohol. So that was my last bender.

Sobriety calculator

Now I'm trolling the internet. Jesus, my life is boring. At least I have you people to complain to. Silent folks. I know you're there....

Check out this link: http://www.aahistory.com/days.html

It tells you how many days, hours, etc you've been sober, how many heartbeats you've had since then, and can tell you what day of the week you got sober. How cool!

I got sober on a Thursday, before Memorial Day weekend. I remember going to work that day, hungover, but feeling lighter than I had in years. I had made the decision to turn my life and will over to the care of Alcoholics Anonymous. I knew then that I was done getting wasted, blacking out, sleeping with random strangers, and waking up in places people shouldn't sleep. Sure, everyone has their fun drinking tales, and it sure seems like fun, but when you look back all you see is danger and stupidity. It's really not fun to black out. Honestly. You never know what you've done or said.

Thursday. I sat at work and looked up everything I could about AA. I found my local meeting group and noticed there was a noon meeting right around the corner from me. By this time it was one pm (I remember clearly) and so I promised myself I would go the next day. I sat at work reading all I could, and found the 12&12 and the Big Book online. I started with step one: I was powerless. I could no longer manage my own life. I needed help.

And now I have the fellowship of other drunks. People who know what I've been through, cause they've been there too. People who are struggling just as much as me, and using meetings and AA as their salvation. I need it now. I suppose addictive personalities need something to be addicted to. I'm glad it's sobriety.

Remembering your last drunk

According to Living Sober, that "pamphlet," it's not the last drink that counts, it's the last "drunk." That last time when you were stupid wasted. Well, it's not eventful. I didn't get pulled over or go to jail. I didn't end up in a ditch or take somebody home, but I did get drunk.

It started out a normal day. I was only a little hungover, but definitely still feeling the effects of the bender I'd been on the last two weeks. I came home and was lonely, which isn't necessarily a new thing. In fact, I think loneliness is an every day kinda thing. Just part of living alone, perhaps.

I opened a bottle of wine, just to take the edge off my loneliness, and called around to see who was home. Couldn't get the first few folks, so I decided to return a call from my cousin, you know, the one who wrecked her car. I listened, and laughed, and egged her on. I walked over to the corner store and bought another bottle of wine. I'd have to drink more just to get through all these stories. I thought she was so cool to have gotten out of all that with no consequences! How awesome to trick those cops, to have her family support her and buy her a new car that next week. Wow, what a role model. And as we raised our glasses together over the phone, I shook.

I knew then: this wasn't cool. This wasn't something I should encourage, or even think was acceptable. I was scared. Would I end up like her? Would I be saying these things to anyone who would listen, some day? Would there be anyone left to listen?

I think not.

And so I went to bed thinking how frightened I was. I made one last phone call, to Adam my sober friend. He's been in the program for 5 years and I've always been amazed and proud of him. And now, as usual, he listened to my drunken ranting. He listened as I slowly blacked out and talked about God knows what. But I know one thing: I talked about not wanting to do this anymore. I knew, I couldn't keep on like this.

I woke up Thursday with an idea: I can be saved if I just stop the insanity. I just have to stop. And so I did. That night I attended a party, with my horrible, shaking hangover, and I didn't touch any alcohol. Not a drop. And on Friday I looked up my local AA meeting and walked down during lunch. I listened, I said hello, I got some numbers. I started. All it took was that one step, to take my fright and my remorse and bring it to a place where they've seen it all before. And so I went to my first meeting, clean for a day.