Gaping wounds

Tonight I heard a great speaker talk about that hole inside. That big, gaping wound you try to fill with alcohol and drugs, but it doesn't help.

My early family life was good - as much as I remember it - but I always had that hole. That "nothing" inside that kept me from making and keeping real connections. I thought it was only me; that I was weird and no one else in the world felt that way.

When I went off to boarding school the hole grew. It became a wound in my heart. Like someone described it the other day, it's like in cartoons where one of the characters is shot by a cannon and it leaves a hole you can see through.

So I tried to fill that hole with drugs. I stocked up on ways to "cope" with that feeling. Then I turned to sex and alcohol, just compounding the problem.

And now, I have nothing to fill it with. The hole hasn't gone away, it's just more present now that I have nothing to hide it from myself. So what do I fill it with? God, you say? I'm not quite there yet. I invite him into my life to take over, but my heart is still curiously suspicious of all I'm doing. Will it last or will this, too, disappear? Can I just use the program to plug this hole for the time being? I think so. It'll have to do, for now.

Another nothing post

Ok, so sleeping isn't working. I am still sitting here, Googling random stuff just to try to keep my mind on something other than the nothing that is sitting in my brain.

What is the nothing?

I love that movie. I've said it before, I feel like the nothing is that part of depression that just takes over your self and makes everything disappear. The only way to save your world is to confront your fears, like Atrayu does in the end. Eventually, he saves the world from the crippling nothing.

That's how my emotions are right now - nothing, but something deep down. I know they're there, just waiting to bust to the surface in some fashion or another. So how does this relate to sobriety? Well, you can't save yourself without some help. Atrayu had his buddies to help him. I have God and the fellowship of AA, and pharmaceuticals. That's a lot of help!