Gaping wounds

Tonight I heard a great speaker talk about that hole inside. That big, gaping wound you try to fill with alcohol and drugs, but it doesn't help.

My early family life was good - as much as I remember it - but I always had that hole. That "nothing" inside that kept me from making and keeping real connections. I thought it was only me; that I was weird and no one else in the world felt that way.

When I went off to boarding school the hole grew. It became a wound in my heart. Like someone described it the other day, it's like in cartoons where one of the characters is shot by a cannon and it leaves a hole you can see through.

So I tried to fill that hole with drugs. I stocked up on ways to "cope" with that feeling. Then I turned to sex and alcohol, just compounding the problem.

And now, I have nothing to fill it with. The hole hasn't gone away, it's just more present now that I have nothing to hide it from myself. So what do I fill it with? God, you say? I'm not quite there yet. I invite him into my life to take over, but my heart is still curiously suspicious of all I'm doing. Will it last or will this, too, disappear? Can I just use the program to plug this hole for the time being? I think so. It'll have to do, for now.