The process of turning it over

So what does it mean to turn your will and life over to the care of God, as you understand him? What are the practical aspects of that?

According to some, the way that manifests itself, besides trusting in God, is to attend more meetings, provide service, pray, and call your sponsor. I already attend about 2 meetings a day, so I've got that one covered. I have a service position with my home group on Sunday mornings. I try to call my sponsor but she's never around. And praying. Ahh, how to pray.

Everyday I read some sort of literature from AA. I try to read Daily Reflections and something from As Bill Sees It. Sometimes I forget, but I do talk to God daily. I ask for his protection for the ones I love, and pray that he'll look after me.

So is this really turning it over or is there another step to this? Don't I have to moment by moment say to God, "your will not mine?" And that's the super hard part. But how do you practice that in daily life? I'm sitting here at my desk getting stuff done, and my will is telling me that I'm tired and should go home. But what is God's will? Is he telling me to go home by making me super tired, or would he want me to stay and keep my job? Does God care if I quit smoking? Is it God's will that I go get a sandwich for lunch?

I suppose the little things aren't things you turn over, but it seems like if you're turning over your will and your life, it should be everything, not just the big stuff. We'll have to see how this manifests itself. This is going to get annoying, but "more will be revealed."

Made a decision

"The other two words that are important to understand are the words WILL and LIVES. The words "will" and "lives" are concepts way over our head and are way too large to relate to or comprehend. But these words can be better understood by explaining that our will is our thinking and what motivates us, and that our life is all the actions that we've taken up to this moment. So the Third Step can then be reworded as saying that I decide to take the actions necessary to turn my motivations, my thinking, and my actions over to the care of God as I understand Him." -Barefootsworld.net

I like looking up stuff, like how other people understand the steps. If it weren't almost midnight, I would probably call another alcoholic to see how they took step three. As a lot of literature says, it's not that we turned it over, it's that we made a decision to turn it over. You don't have to do it all at once, right this very moment.

So let's make this decision, Anne. Let's decide right now that you really don't have control, that something else does, and that maybe, just maybe, He can help. He can take control of our lives and the outcome of situations. Let this decision color your world.

Ok, God. You got it. I know I've made my life unmanageable; out of control. So I'm making a decision. It's your turn, now. You show me the way, and I'll take it. What's that you're saying? Go to bed and stop writing posts? Good idea.

Let go and let God.

There's such a theme to my posts lately, probably because I'm on step 3.

We discussed step 6 today in my woman's meeting. Letting God remove all these character defects. One of my biggies is I'm controlling. I really like to have control over what's going on. I've always been that way, and it was only exacerbated by my upbringing. See, my mom is out of control. There was always something happening with her: suicide attempts, getting lost, getting kicked out of whole countries. And I always was the designated rescue agent. Go pick her up from the airport. Go take her to the shelter. Get her food stamps and social security. Give the doctors her medical history. Make sure she's doing this, or that. Mothers' caretaker.

So I was always in control of an out of control situation. Things would happen, and I would bring order to chaos and get everything under control.

And it's just permeated my life. I've tried to be in control of everything, whether I could have any say in it or not.

So step three has been really hard for me. It's all about letting go of your death grip on things and letting God, or whatever, take over the reins. Admitting that you don't have control is easy. Letting go is not.

Talked with my sponsor tonight, and she said I don't have to do it all NOW. I don't have to be perfect. I just have to try. So I'm breathing and I'm saying it now: thy will not mine. Thy will not mine. I turn it over to you, God. Do as you may.