It's only for the willing

"AA never suggests you do anything you're not willing to do. If we're not willing, that's what we work on first."

Mr. Sponsorpants was answering emails today and said this to someone. Willingness. I know that is a huge part of AA, and a huge part of anything. If you are going to get anything accomplished, you have to be willing. Willing to try, willing to do, etc.

When I first joined AA I was willing. I was willing to go to meetings every day; in fact, I enjoyed it. I was willing to really think through the steps and read everything I could on them, conference approved literature or not. I was willing to get a sponsor and listen to her advice. I had willingness up the wazoo.

And now? Why am I not willing to listen to my sponsor? I think I just don't respect her. Not that she's a bad person, or stupid, or anything, but I just don't know if she has enough life experience to be telling anyone else to do anything. I know I need a new sponsor.

And why haven't I gone to meetings every day? I'm willing, yes, I just keep getting distracted by interviews or other obligations, and by the time I can pull my head up, it's 8 and my only option is the 8:30 meeting in the next town. Just thinking about going drains me. It's not a far drive, or even bad parking, but it's the fact of getting up, driving there, etc. that just gets me. I'm lazy once I've had dinner. I settle in to the couch and don't want to leave. Part of it is that being social so late keeps me up at night, but look, it's midnight and I'm up anyway. I could have hit the meeting and still accomplished the nothing that I've accomplished anyway.

So where did my willingness go? Has the shine worn off AA? Is it just because I don't like AA here as much as I did there? It is very different. I'm beginning to think it's the sponsor. I really need to just break up with her. AA shouldn't be something you have to force yourself to do, and I feel like I'm forcing myself to like her.

We are not saints

I really like that, in How It Works: No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints.... We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.

I thought I was a saint as a kid. I thought I did everything right. I was always striving for perfection. Oh to be perfect! Then everything would be right with the world. But perfection isn't something we can even strive for - it's not achievable. No one will ever be "perfect." There are a million different interpretations of what that is, and yours is definitely different from mine. We all can attempt to be the best people we can be, and with God's help I will strive for goodness and Godliness in all that I do.

But I'm no saint. I'm going to mess up; that's just how life is. I'm going to have my bad days where I develop resentments against the people who don't use their blinkers when they're turning (I HATE that!). I'm going to get mad at the people I love, and worry things to death. I'm not perfect.

The point is, I'm willing to grow along spiritual lines. I'm willing to take this program and apply it to my life. I have the willingness.

And that's step three.

Willingness

Really, I'm on step three, but just thinking a lot about where I've been thus far. But today, I'm thinking about step three again. A willingness to turn our will and our lives over to a higher power. Our WILL. What happened to free will? According to Wikipedia (which is always right), "Free will is the purported ability of agents to make choices free from constraints."

Free from constraints. Constraints like God's will for us. Constraints like what's the next right thing for us. If we give away our right to free will, what do we have left? Now do we have to just listen to what something else is telling us to do? Isn't that what we rebelled against our parents for? Haven't we always been trying to live our own lives on our own terms?

And how's that working for you? Sure as hell wasn't working for me.

I think turning your will over is more like stopping and listening first, and then making decisions based on good facts and advice, rather than impulsivity or addiction. You know your addiction talks to you. It tells you to have that next drink, to go buy a pack of cigarettes, that it's ok to cook bacon at 2am. Your illness has control over you. And that's what we did in step one, was to let go of that controlling substance. Now, we have to let go of the idea that WE are in control, and that only we can do it right.