Turning over a new leaf

"As we approach this step, most of us are afraid that there is a monster inside us that, if released, will destroy us. This fear can cause us to put off our inventory or may even prevent us from taking this crucial step at all. We have found that fear is lack of faith, and we have found a loving, personal God to whom we can turn. We no longer need to be afraid." - Narcotics Anonymous, Chapter 4

I'm sure afraid there's a monster inside. I'm afraid to let it out, even on paper. I know I share a lot with you guys, and I have been looking pretty deep into my own character in the past two months. I know there's a lot in there that is scary and really messed up. Some say step four is looking at where we've crossed our moral boundaries.

Growing up Catholic, I had a lot of moral boundaries. I wasn't going to have sex before marriage. I always swore I would treat people as I wanted to be treated. I would follow the golden rule. And I've broken all of those things. I've done people harm, explicitly and implicitly. I gossip, I cheat, I lie. These things are hard to admit.

So I'm afraid. I'm afraid that if I admit these things, with an open mind and heart, that they'll destroy me. I'll see how bad of a person I really am, and my self-pity will take over. I'll destroy the fragile ego I have now.

I'm excited for step four, though. I want to, well, need to, know these things. You can't fix something you don't know is wrong. And I need to fix these things. I need to become a better person: a more loving and kind person. And hopefully, my God can do that for me. God can release me from my pain and help me turn over a new leaf.

Willingness

Really, I'm on step three, but just thinking a lot about where I've been thus far. But today, I'm thinking about step three again. A willingness to turn our will and our lives over to a higher power. Our WILL. What happened to free will? According to Wikipedia (which is always right), "Free will is the purported ability of agents to make choices free from constraints."

Free from constraints. Constraints like God's will for us. Constraints like what's the next right thing for us. If we give away our right to free will, what do we have left? Now do we have to just listen to what something else is telling us to do? Isn't that what we rebelled against our parents for? Haven't we always been trying to live our own lives on our own terms?

And how's that working for you? Sure as hell wasn't working for me.

I think turning your will over is more like stopping and listening first, and then making decisions based on good facts and advice, rather than impulsivity or addiction. You know your addiction talks to you. It tells you to have that next drink, to go buy a pack of cigarettes, that it's ok to cook bacon at 2am. Your illness has control over you. And that's what we did in step one, was to let go of that controlling substance. Now, we have to let go of the idea that WE are in control, and that only we can do it right.

Control

So last night Adam accused me of being controlling. I was attempting to convince him to do something, something I think would be of benefit to us both, and he said I was trying to control the situation.

I really thought about it afterwards. Was I trying to manipulate him into doing my will? Was I really trying to control the situation by imposing my ideas on him? Maybe. I thought I was just trying to let him see the benefits of the situation - the good that would come of it - but I was doing it to benefit myself, and him. But what do I know about other people? I can't make a decision for him on what's best for him. I have to let him come to that decision himself.

So I'm not going to talk about it anymore. I'm going to remind myself to let go and let him make his own choices.

Losing control is constantly reminding yourself to let go. Not manipulate. Not even try to convince. Just listen.

Women, women, everywhere

There are some truly wonderful women out there, sober and not, but I think I've hit the jackpot.

There are two women's meetings in my town, and both are incredible, and incredibly different. The first, on Mondays, is a big room and always a full house. Jamie walks around and pours coffee in the middle of the meetings. Michelle does her job as secretary reading out the millions of announcements from the central office. Everyone is welcoming and ready to share.

On Wednesdays, the meeting is in a small upstairs room with couches and tea. The lights are low, and the meeting is, as one woman called it, "warm and fuzzy." People are still welcoming and loving, but the mood is more relaxed and the women seem calmer. Maybe it's the tea.

Both of these meetings offer something beautiful. As in every meeting, they all seem to be speaking to what's happening in my life right now. Tonight, many people spoke about how they ask God to come into their lives, and try to live by his will, not their own. This is something I've been struggling with for a week now. "But I WANT it!" I say to God. I know he hears me, he's everywhere, at least to me. But on the other hand, I know that asking things for myself is not the way prayer works. You have to open your heart and soul over to God and trust that his plan is the way things are supposed to go. You may not get it, but what you end up getting is always better in the long run.

As Paulo Coehlo says in By the River Piedra I Sat and Wept, "..When we were quiet with each other, I was able to see how close I felt to him. Neither of us had said anything. Love doesn't need to be discussed; it had its own voice and speaks for itself. That night, by the well, the silence had allowed our hearts to approach each other and get to know each other better. My heart had listened closely to what his had said, and now it was content."

I hope that my heart can be content listening to God and loving that he has a place in my life. I hope I can be open to hear what he says in the silence, and live my life in a way that he would want me to. I need to be quiet in his presence so that I can hear. Be still my spinning mind; listen, just listen.

And that's the third step.