Look at those gums

"Our research shows that strong, negative graphic imagery -- and fear evoked from such imagery -- influences smokers' intentions to quit."

So they think it works! You should take a look at some of the images - gross. I bet carrying around a pack with gum cancer on it would be pretty awful. I bet there'll be a run on cigarette pack holders. Granted, some of the reasons I want to quit have to do with health, but it's not my driving motivation. What is my motivation? Good question.

I don't want to smell gross when Adam hugs me. I don't want to track smoke into the house for my dad to smell. I don't want to waste so much money. I want to be able to run better. Good reasons, eh? I think so.

Ah, the Adam factor. He's always there. Do I do things just to make him love me? Sometimes I think I do. I just want him to be proud of me. He asked me tonight if he should go away, if that would make it better. Maybe it would, but being far away from him made me want him more. Being close to him is giving me perspective on the situation. Being close and just hanging out reminds me how nice that is - that we don't have to do anything or have a relationship outside of that. I think being without him as a friend would just make me obsess, and losing someone so close to me would be terribly difficult.

Girl, interrupted

"Old behavior brings old feelings -- new behavior brings new feelings. So if you want to feel differently, behave differently."

New behavior. I need to start getting back up at 8:30am and not sleeping till 2, like I have been for the past week. I need to not be up at 3am writing posts and not letting my dog sleep, either. I need to run more. All these behaviors will make me feel better, no doubt. And will I do them? Yeah, I'll get back on schedule. I will. I'm strong, and determined.

But tonight. Tonight I'm going to feel sorry for myself. I really don't do it enough. I tend to take the happy sunshine approach to everything. I really do need to just let myself wallow every now and again. I need to feel these feelings of loss and sadness instead of stuffing them down with peace and fake happiness. "Fake it til you make it" they say, but tonight I'm going to stay up and keep writing depressing posts.

Perhaps this is my emotional bottom. I've talked about it a little before, but boy am I feeling it now. I'm feeling like shit. God I miss my life. I miss having my own things, my own place, my car, my friends, my independence. I miss my life. I don't have a life here. I am living, true, but it's not a life. I don't want this. I moved west to get away from all this. I moved to feel better, and I did. Things were just getting good. I was in the middle of my best year yet. I was getting sober and making it even better. And then it all got interrupted by this shit.

Who said this could happen? Last time I was unemployed it was 4 months of misery. I was off my meds and crazier than a rat in shit. I lost my freaking mind. And this time? I'm on meds, but I'm feeling more because I'm not drinking. I drank my way through unemployment last time, and only felt better when I got a job. It's been 2 months, and now it's all catching up to me.

The horoscope speaks for me

"For Sunday, November 21 -If anyone is famous for being able to withstand anything and everything with compassion, understanding and sensitivity, it's you. You're usually quite able to keep your temper under wraps, too. At the moment, however, it won't be easy for you to hide anything you feel, for better or worse. You'll also surprise everyone around you with your reactions. If you're accused of overreacting, hang in there. Just because they're not used to seeing you this way doesn't mean you're not justified."

Why is my horoscope always right? I don't feel like pretending anymore. I don't feel like kidding myself that it's all fine - that I know this too shall pass, that everything is going to be alright. Lots of people spend a lot of time in unemployment. My friend Sam has been unemployed for 2 years! Tim has been unemployed for 3! Sam had to declare bankruptcy, twice. I don't want to go there. I don't want to have to sell my car, or sell all my stuff in storage because I can't afford the $200 a month fee anymore. I could cash in my 401k and my money market accounts and live comfortably for years, but I don't want to do that, either.

I'm so worried about all of this. I just don't have any idea how it's going to turn out, or maybe, when it's going to turn out alright.

And this is how I feel

All dressed up, no place to run
No car, no girl, no pills, no fun
Nothing to do in this empty room
I gotta get my head together soon

Alone again, no plans, no friends
You come around at half past ten
You say "How are you holding up my friend?
Are you sitting around getting drunk again?"

And I hear the desperation of those lines
Wasted hours, others wasted time
Uh, yeah, I been just fine!
...
And I wish I had the guts to scream
You know, things aren't always what they seem
When you walk away, I want to stay
Don't leave me here to pace and pray
....
Oh, happy, alright I might be, I guess
If I wasn't such a mess

Creeping depression

Here we go, folks! The depression has finally hit! Maybe this isn't a good time to quit smoking, but I'm going to do it anyway. It has to happen sometime, and there's always going to be stress in my life. I need to learn how to handle it better.

Ever since I upped my meds I haven't been feeling depressed. I think they really evened me out, and kept my chemistry normal. Now, it's depression, but depression for depression's sake. It's not chemical, it's situational.

So what can I do to change my situation? I can keep working on getting a job. I can job hunt daily. This is also a nice distraction from my life. I can run. I can go running tomorrow with the doglet, and make both of us feel better. I can focus on quitting smoking. I can focus on AA. I can just focus on making my self the best Anne that I can be.

But I don't really feel like doing any of that, even though I know I'll force myself to do it. I don't know who to talk to about this. My therapist is so happy all the time, and she wants me to do Ennegrams and meditation and shit. Fuck all that. I'm just depressed and I want some solution. I need something to change in my situation.

I'm listening to depressing music and it's sort of helping. I need to cry. I've felt like crying since sitting in the car with Adam. I just need to get it all out. I'm talking to Michael on email right now. He's good about this kind of stuff. He understands the crippling depression and the urge to kill yourself.

I don't feel like killing myself, but the thought does come up. What's nice is, I don't want to die. I have no interest in that. I'm too curious: I want to know how it's all going to turn out. But I do feel like shit. I do feel like I need some release. I need to go for a run. Or a cigarette.

Lonely sucks

I am so lonely. Moving back was a good decision, especially since I've been getting unemployment and it's pennies, but I'm so lonely. I suppose I was lonely before, just hanging out in my house with my dog, but I had drinking. And I had my Thursday night girls night and weekends with Michael. I had work and the people there. I went out to cookies and coffee all the time and chatted with folks.

I'm so lonely here. I have my dad, and Adam, and Andrea, but it's just not enough, almost. I keep calling my friends from where I moved and talking to them about everything going on. I miss them so much. They are the people I want in my someday wedding. I feel closer to them than anyone else. I love them, and they love me, and I'm lonely.

H.A.L.T. Hungry, angry, lonely, tired. I don't feel like drinking, but I do feel like I need something. Some human contact that doesn't have strings attached. I need to just lie down with someone, even if it's just on the phone, and discuss how I'm feeling without getting the AA version. "It's just the committee; you're going through and emotional bottom; blah, blah, blah." I just need a little sympathy. Life is really kind of tough right now, and I don't need the platitudes. I don't need the fake solutions to everything. I don't need advice, I need comfort.

I wanna be Bob Dylan

It's all in my head, I know. The "committee" telling me I suck in this business, and I'm just a horrible loser for living at home with my dad and being unemployed. The little voice that tells me it's easier to find a job when you have a job; that no one hires the unemployed. It's all in my head. My resume has found me 8 interviews, so someone out there is bound to want me eventually. Will I want them? Will I be desperate enough to just accept something? I feel desperate now. I just want to be working, I think. Or, I just want money coming in. "How does it feel to want?" says Adam. It feels shitty. I feel like shit.

I ran out of cigarettes tonight and went to a sober open mic with Adam. It was fun and I saw my friend Erin, who is speaking tomorrow at a meeting. I'm going to go hang out with her and get some gossip. Should be interesting. She's got so much going on, and it's nice to focus on someone elses troubles for a while.

Adam and I sat in the car and talked for a while after he drove me home. We talked about the committee, and how we feel about each other. "I don't know how I feel," he said. "I don't know how I'll feel in 6 months, either." Truth is, I don't know how I feel right now. I have so much going on in my life that I can't even imagine being in a relationship right now. And do I really want him like that? Do I even want to be in a relationship with him, or is the relationship we have just fine?

Sometimes I think I like it like this. I could be a bitch and say it's cause I can do better: I usually date guys with 6 packs and who are tall and blonde. He's none of those (well, he's taller than me), and some people find him obnoxious, but I don't. There's a good heart in there that's attractive to me. He's a good man. It doesn't matter what he looks like on the outside, or how many degrees he's got.

But I could find someone else, I know I could. I have in the past. It's not hard. I'm an attractive, fun person to be with. I give in relationships, and no longer let people just take. It's got to be even. And I generally don't take people's shit. I think I'm good in relationships. I have close friendships with all my ex's.

So why do I think I need him? Do I? No. I don't need him in order to be happy. I just like being around him. Does that mean it's love? Maybe not.