Girl, interrupted

"Old behavior brings old feelings -- new behavior brings new feelings. So if you want to feel differently, behave differently."

New behavior. I need to start getting back up at 8:30am and not sleeping till 2, like I have been for the past week. I need to not be up at 3am writing posts and not letting my dog sleep, either. I need to run more. All these behaviors will make me feel better, no doubt. And will I do them? Yeah, I'll get back on schedule. I will. I'm strong, and determined.

But tonight. Tonight I'm going to feel sorry for myself. I really don't do it enough. I tend to take the happy sunshine approach to everything. I really do need to just let myself wallow every now and again. I need to feel these feelings of loss and sadness instead of stuffing them down with peace and fake happiness. "Fake it til you make it" they say, but tonight I'm going to stay up and keep writing depressing posts.

Perhaps this is my emotional bottom. I've talked about it a little before, but boy am I feeling it now. I'm feeling like shit. God I miss my life. I miss having my own things, my own place, my car, my friends, my independence. I miss my life. I don't have a life here. I am living, true, but it's not a life. I don't want this. I moved west to get away from all this. I moved to feel better, and I did. Things were just getting good. I was in the middle of my best year yet. I was getting sober and making it even better. And then it all got interrupted by this shit.

Who said this could happen? Last time I was unemployed it was 4 months of misery. I was off my meds and crazier than a rat in shit. I lost my freaking mind. And this time? I'm on meds, but I'm feeling more because I'm not drinking. I drank my way through unemployment last time, and only felt better when I got a job. It's been 2 months, and now it's all catching up to me.