Slowly your character defects can wear on you

I know I'm so not there yet, but we talked about step 6 today in the meeting, and it talks about being entirely ready for God to remove our defects of character. Willingness, again. Just being READY, and asking God for his help. Funny that I've been talking about character defects all day, and sins and such.

It was a little meeting, so I shared how I feel three of the sins the most: pride, sloth, and lust. I didn't share the lust part, cause it was all men and me. But I did share some things that made me think. It's funny, you never know what you're thinking till you want to speak honestly to a crowd.

I think I'm better than other people. Smarter. Prettier. Kinder. I think sometimes in meetings that people don't know how to read. I try not to judge them on that. I try not to be judgy in my pridefulness. Really, I do try. But really, just being prideful is being judgy. I wonder sometimes if people understand the words that I'm saying, and so I try not to use big words. I try to dumb it down so people understand. How bitchy of me! I underestimate people all the time. I think I'm just so much better. Wow. How awful.

And sloth. I talked before about my sloth at work, and how it's all based on fear of doing it wrong, or even doing it right. I don't get anything done because I'm so above the work, and it's boring, but really I'm just afraid to get it done. I'm afraid it won't be good enough.

Maybe with the pride I'm just afraid that really I'm dumber than everyone else. Maybe I'm just scared I'll use the wrong words, so I use simple ones. Maybe I'm underestimating myself, too.

Amazing what you discover when you really look at yourself.

Should be an S word

All my posts seem to start with S today, so I thought I'd give this an S title, too.

I need a meeting. I need more meetings than there are today. I had to work this morning, and so missed my sponsor's 8am meeting. There's one in half an hour, but it's step study. I was hoping for another speaker meeting. I like those. I'm so interested in other people's stories. It's interesting how addiction took us all down the same roads, and eventually led us to the realization that this wasn't working anymore.

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.

Powerless is such a strong word. I do believe that I'm powerless over the next drink. I want it, but I don't seek it. I think it just calls to me and tells me it will help me solve all this pain. And that's what it's all about for addicts, I think, covering up the pain we all feel inside, real or imagined. And to be powerless over something, to be completely out of control? That's something I know from mental illness. I am not in control of my brain, all I can control are my reactions to the crazy things my brain tells me.

Unmanageable. Mental illness isn't manageable without medication (most of the time) and addiction isn't manageable without something like AA or a higher power. My life wasn't completely a mess this time - I still have my job, my car, my apartment - but my behavior had become unmanageable. I never knew when I was going to black out or when I was just going to get drunk enough to sit in the shower and cry under the hot water pouring down.

So I'm going to a meeting. And I hope I can find fellowship there. I hope we're on step one.

Sane

Just picked up a book by one of my favorite authors. Marya Hornbacher. She has written three books: Madness, Wasted, and Sane.

In Madness, she talks about her fight with bipolar disorder. She's an incredible wreck most of the time, in and out of institutions, ruining marriages, etc. The rest of the time she's an incredible business woman, writing tons of articles and teaching. She's quite an incredible force. Her descriptions of her manic episodes were so right on, that she made me feel manic just reading it. Her depression was so low that I never thought she'd get out of it.

And then I saw this book: Sane - Mental Illness, Addiction, and the 12 Steps. She made it! And look, now she's where I am! Amazing. I've heard that in AA a lot of people think taking medication for mental disorders is weak, or just like taking other drugs. What they don't understand is that mental illness is a disorder of the brain chemistry, often running in families and exacerbated by dysfunctional family situations. It seems the majority of people with mental illness turn to addiction to deal with their problems. That's why they call it self-medicating.

Taking medication you need, just like if you were a diabetic, has no shame in it. As a mentally ill person, you need those meds to keep you as close to sanity as you can get. They serve their purpose, and should not be demonized.

So Marya created another book to help the mentally ill person through the steps, applying it to our addiction, but helping us understand our own concepts of sanity. When it came to step two, believing a higher power could restore us to sanity, "Many of us balked." I sure did. What was sanity? Had I ever been there? How would I be able to tell?

I'm hoping this book will be as great as her others, and give me a little more insight into the program and sanity itself.

Seven saintly virtues

In Catholicism you're not all bad. God loves you, which is why He sent His son to forgive our sins. I swear, it's not as bad as people make it out to be. There's no fire and brimstone.

So, to balance out the seven deadly sins, there are seven virtues. I added the saintly part. They are: chastity, temperance, charity, diligence, patience, kindness, and yes, humility.

People are not all bad, and neither am I. I have those virtues, as well as those sins. Minus the chastity part, which I'm working on. It's like quitting smoking: it's really hard to not go out in your loneliness and find someone who will worship your body, if only for an hour. I should have been a prostitute, if the thought of it didn't make me want to cry. Sometimes I feel like I've already been one. Jesus. Now I don't even want to sleep with me.

Walking down the street at the beach with Adam, we gave a homeless kid the rest of our dinner. I know repeating your good works to others makes them not so good, but it's my blog. Every day I do charity and kind works. I work for charities, I donate money and goods each year, without the tax break, and I serve as a volunteer in a charitable organization. I've got love of your fellow man down. At least, I think. Lately, I've been a bit disgruntled. A lot of non profits are shit. They mess with their finances, and treat their employees like shit. Not all of them are like this, but I've worked in some bad atmospheres.

So, patience and humility are the two I'm working on. We've already talked a little about humility, and since it's so vital in AA, I'm sure it will come up again. Then there's patience. We've gone over that, too. I am impatient. I like things to come now. I want to be on step twelve. I want a damn spiritual awakening. I want to make amends now. I want to be on the way to peace and a better life. I just have to remember that I am already. Rome wasn't built in a day, as they say, and a deeper spiritual life for me won't happen tomorrow. I'm not going to heal my inner child next week. So I need to learn patience.

Seven deadly sins

"If we can examine every disturbance we have, great or small, we will find at the root of it some unhealthy dependency and its consequent unhealthy demand."
- Daily Reflections, July 17.

Every dependence we have. Step four: looking at your character defects in detail and examining their basis in your personality. In the Big Book, they start by giving you the examples of the seven deadly sins. Let's see if I can remember them: pride, lust, sloth, gluttony, anger, and envy. I'm missing one. I think it's something like despair.

We already had a nice discussion about my pride problem, and you can probably tell I have a bit of a lust issue, and some anger problems. I am the sloth at work, out of fear. I am a manic-depressive, so I've got obsessive self-loathing covered, too.

So what about gluttony and envy? Oh, I am envious all the time, but of the little things. I wish I had siblings, I wish I made as much money as Emily, I wish I had a stable family life, I'm envious of people who's parents are still together. Envy, envy, envy. Easy.

And gluttony. Well, hell, I stuff my emotions down with food just like I do with booze, but they are talking about another kind of gluttony. More like the hoarding kind. Keeping your emotions or finances so tied up in yourself that you can't let go and share. I am liberal with money (part of the manic-depressive fun), but I really don't share my emotions. I mean, people know how I feel; I'm not afraid to express them; but people close to me don't know how I REALLY feel. I'm never brave enough to let them all the way in. There's something dark and scary inside me, and I'm afraid people won't want to know. I'm afraid they'll leave if I really share just how crazy and depressed I am all the time.

I just gave a friend this blog link. Don't worry, I'm still going to be brutally honest with myself, but I trust her with my feelings. I trust her to know that she can read and not cry for me (Argentina). She'll still be my friend anyway. Welcome Jennifer.

A fiesta it's not

I love to throw parties. Any excuse for a party, and I'm on it. Grilling in the backyard, hanging out with friends, getting ridiculously drunk.

My last party was Cinko de Drinko on Cinko de Mayo. I had about 20 people over in my little backyard and dressed it up in Mexican themed stuff. I even have chili pepper lights and some with sombrero's on them. It looked awesome. I started drinking while setting up the party, around noon. I shared a bottle of wine with the guy on the grill, and by the time people arrived at 3 I was primed and ready. I also had a friend in town who was leaving that night at 7 from the airport near my house. I had promised him a ride.

Progressively, I got wasted. I'm not sure how many bottles I personally finished, but there were about a dozen in my recycle bin the next morning. There were also numerous beer cans and about two pitchers of punch that I know I drank. Tequila is the official drink of Mexican themed parties, you know.

When it came time for my friend to leave, I got up and weaved to find my keys. Luckily, the only sober person there offered to drive him. I so would have. I was ready and everything.

The rest I remember of the night, I was tripping over my skirt and falling down in my house, and then I woke up the next morning in my pj's, in my own bed, with my ex-boyfriend. Again. I promised myself I wouldn't sleep with him anymore, and apparently I said some things that he took as me liking him still. I mean, he should have taken it that way. I said we might as well get married cause no one wants either of us. I'm a bitch.

My friend Mary called the next day and told me to promise not to tell him what we talked about. She said, I totally agree that he was really mean to you when you were dating, but he'd be mad if you repeated anything I said. I pinkie swore not to tell - I have absolutely no memory of talking to her.

So, how do I throw a party now? What will my guests do? Since all my friends drink, should I just let them get drunk and abstain? Labor day is coming up, and I'll luckily be out of town, but I have my annual Halloween party and then drunk Thanksgiving where I take care of all the orphans who can't fly home. How will we be social? How to lubricate a party on Shirley Temple's?

Why don't I like me?

I just took a sleeping pill, and it's totally not making me want to sleep. In fact, it's just making me more crazy. I know I should turn off the computer and stop thinking, but it seems today is thinking day. So what more wisdom could I possibly impart today? Wisdom? You say, what wisdom? Come on, I'm at least slightly smart. Admit it, you love me. And, now I'm talking to myself again.

Self-love: self-loathing. Don't we all go through these emotions? How do you love yourself? Adam has been dealing with this question a lot. His therapist says you can't love yourself too much. You need to give yourself the love you didn't receive as a child, or whenever.

But how do you love yourself? They tell you to exercise, eat right, call people who love you. But is that enough? Do you have to take a fearless and moral inventory of how you are lovable? Let's do it!

Ok, I am lovable because:

I am a kind person. I really love others, and I love to hear them talk. I want to help. I know, this can be really annoying, but I try not to offer too much advice; I just listen.

I am funny. You know I am. Admit it.

I am beautiful. At least kids on the boardwalk think so.

Because.... Because.... Huh. Well, I've got looks covered, and the basics of funny and kind. And generous probably fits in there somewhere. But why am I lovable? Why do people want to be around me? Beats the hell out of me, apparently. I'm sure I could come up with a million reasons why people shouldn't like me. Sometimes I don't like me. Like now, when I think I'm being annoying by talking so much. But it's my damn blog, and that's what it's here for: for me to ramble. So why can't I think of any other reasons? Am I that blocked out emotionally that I can't even think of the good things?

I know deep down that I'm lovable. I can feel it. Why can't I see it?