Should be an S word

All my posts seem to start with S today, so I thought I'd give this an S title, too.

I need a meeting. I need more meetings than there are today. I had to work this morning, and so missed my sponsor's 8am meeting. There's one in half an hour, but it's step study. I was hoping for another speaker meeting. I like those. I'm so interested in other people's stories. It's interesting how addiction took us all down the same roads, and eventually led us to the realization that this wasn't working anymore.

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.

Powerless is such a strong word. I do believe that I'm powerless over the next drink. I want it, but I don't seek it. I think it just calls to me and tells me it will help me solve all this pain. And that's what it's all about for addicts, I think, covering up the pain we all feel inside, real or imagined. And to be powerless over something, to be completely out of control? That's something I know from mental illness. I am not in control of my brain, all I can control are my reactions to the crazy things my brain tells me.

Unmanageable. Mental illness isn't manageable without medication (most of the time) and addiction isn't manageable without something like AA or a higher power. My life wasn't completely a mess this time - I still have my job, my car, my apartment - but my behavior had become unmanageable. I never knew when I was going to black out or when I was just going to get drunk enough to sit in the shower and cry under the hot water pouring down.

So I'm going to a meeting. And I hope I can find fellowship there. I hope we're on step one.