Seven deadly sins

"If we can examine every disturbance we have, great or small, we will find at the root of it some unhealthy dependency and its consequent unhealthy demand."
- Daily Reflections, July 17.

Every dependence we have. Step four: looking at your character defects in detail and examining their basis in your personality. In the Big Book, they start by giving you the examples of the seven deadly sins. Let's see if I can remember them: pride, lust, sloth, gluttony, anger, and envy. I'm missing one. I think it's something like despair.

We already had a nice discussion about my pride problem, and you can probably tell I have a bit of a lust issue, and some anger problems. I am the sloth at work, out of fear. I am a manic-depressive, so I've got obsessive self-loathing covered, too.

So what about gluttony and envy? Oh, I am envious all the time, but of the little things. I wish I had siblings, I wish I made as much money as Emily, I wish I had a stable family life, I'm envious of people who's parents are still together. Envy, envy, envy. Easy.

And gluttony. Well, hell, I stuff my emotions down with food just like I do with booze, but they are talking about another kind of gluttony. More like the hoarding kind. Keeping your emotions or finances so tied up in yourself that you can't let go and share. I am liberal with money (part of the manic-depressive fun), but I really don't share my emotions. I mean, people know how I feel; I'm not afraid to express them; but people close to me don't know how I REALLY feel. I'm never brave enough to let them all the way in. There's something dark and scary inside me, and I'm afraid people won't want to know. I'm afraid they'll leave if I really share just how crazy and depressed I am all the time.

I just gave a friend this blog link. Don't worry, I'm still going to be brutally honest with myself, but I trust her with my feelings. I trust her to know that she can read and not cry for me (Argentina). She'll still be my friend anyway. Welcome Jennifer.