A little dose'll do you ya

I found a handy little guide from the Mayo Clinic on side effects. You can click on each one and it tells you a little about how to handle them. Some of the recommendations wouldn't work - like taking a nap during the day, since most people can't nap at work - but there are a lot of good suggestions in the pages. And, of course, one of the suggestions on almost all of the pages is to get regular exercise.

Sigh.

I'm working on getting up the motivation. When I think about going for a run I just think how draining that is, when in reality a run usually energizes me. But all I can think of is the long, arduous process of getting ready to work out, working out, and then getting back into clean clothes. It's all too much for me when I'm depressed. It just seems so overwhelming.

But I have to do it. There's no way I'm going to let myself gain those 40lbs back. It took me a while to lose them, and I can't imagine having to face myself if I failed by gaining it all back. I recorded what I ate today on Weight Watchers, and there's nothing but yogurt, popcorn, cheese, and beans on there, but I still went over the calorie quota for the day. It's just all about volume. I can't seem to stop eating. I feel hungry and thirsty and like I need to chew!

But I have a lot of willpower. I just need to put my mind to this one task and get motivated by losing weight. I can do this.

Pick a feeling, any feeling

How am I feeling now, after a few days of the new meds? I don't know. I think I feel kind of flat. I haven't had a suicidal thought lately, and I've even stopped researching it. I lost interest. Isn't that funny? I lost interest, like it was some sort of neat path I could be researching. Bored? Hey, let's come up with ways to kill ourselves! Like a game that I just stopped wanting to play. How bizarre.

Do I feel better? What is better? Not being suicidal is better, I suppose, but what have I traded it for? I've traded it for the incredible urge to eat and the feeling that my stomach is being twisted into knots. I've traded it for the cold sweats and the urge to vomit, which comes in waves with the sweats. I've traded suicidal thoughts for physical pain. A good trade? You tell me.

Before, I was scared. I never knew when the thoughts were going to come. Everything was dangerous because everything can be used as a weapon. Now, I'm just getting fat, which makes me depressed, and my brain hurts. Physical pain for mental pain.

I know when I see Julie on Tuesday she's going to go through the list of depressed or manic characteristics to see where I am. But I wouldn't have any idea how to answer. I can only focus on my physical feelings right now. And maybe that's the trick of big pharma. The meds don't make you less manic or depressed, they just make you so physically sick that you can't even think about how mentally ill you feel. Smooth move.

Temper tantrum

"But I never move on from bipolar. It isn’t a thing. It’s everything. It’s sleep schedules and med schedules and bipolar symptoms and medication side-effects and moods and therapy and doctors and control every day of my life. There’s never a break. Not for a moment. I’m bipolar now. A minute from now. A day from now. A year from now. Always sick."

I felt bad the other day when I mentioned that I hate having the diagnosis of bipolar. It's a life-long, debilitating, deadly illness that no matter what kind of medicines I take or meditation I do is not going anywhere. It's a part of me: it's my personality.

I can never escape the fact that I'm bipolar and need to be on medication for the rest of my life. Sure, I can stop taking medication, but that's just letting the illness takeover.

Natasha Tracy(the woman who wrote this) also had a neat article on the worst things to say to someone with mental illness. Amazingly, people do say that stuff. My dad says that stuff all the time. Actually, I think he may have said all of those things to me at one point, which just ups the guilt you feel and makes you hide your symptoms. A hidden madness is more dangerous, I think. When people see you're crazy they tend to help. But when you hide everything no one can help you.

So no, it's not fair. It's not cool that I have to take medications that make me a zombie and disrupt my thought processes. It's not fair that I have to be careful of sharp objects. It's not fair that anything I do that's too much fun I worry is mania creeping up on me. It's not fair, damnit.

Your food is making you depressed

What you're eating could make you depressed. Apparently, trans fats from food aren't just bad for your heart, they can cause depression, too.

"In addition, the study demonstrated a dose-response relationship, "whereby the more trans-fats were consumed, the greater the harmful effect they produced in the volunteers," the expert stated."

So where are trans fats? Everywhere. They're in cereal, pastries, fast food, some meats and dairy products, and more. I think they would be impossible to avoid, but the best way to not go overboard is to eat a vegetable based diet. Veggies don't have trans fats. Basically, stay away from processed foods.

There's so much you have to do in order to stay healthy! Don't eat this, don't eat that, meditate, exercise, don't drink, don't smoke. It's a wonder any of us can keep up! And researchers change the evil food of the week constantly. Remember when we weren't supposed to eat eggs because cholesterol was so horrible? You just can't win.

Monitoring everything I eat and do is exhausting when I'm full of energy, and incredibly impossible when I'm depressed. I suppose if I ate fast food I could just cut that out, but I don't, so here we are.

It's a zombie's life

"...Zyprexa may impair your thinking or reactions. Be careful if you drive or do anything that requires you to be alert." Zombie.

Celexa also makes you tired and dizzy when you stand up. Zombie.

And lithium? "Be careful if you drive or do anything that requires you to be awake and alert." Zombie.

I've been sleeping since I got off work. I just came upstairs, laid down, and that was it. I woke up about 3 hours later and started gorging. Again, it's just little food, not meals, but it all adds up.

I don't want to be a lightheaded zombie who sleeps all day and, when awake, has trouble putting together responses to customers. I really should go out and do something, but I'm kind of afraid to drive. I could take the metro, but to wear? It's all a little overwhelming right now.

I feel like I could just lean over and fall right back asleep. I bet I could. I suppose I should cut myself some slack - it's only day 2 of meds - but I don't want this to become a pattern. And it's Saturday, for crying out loud. There's a lot to do out there in the world. I think.

Lithium hurts my stomach

I feel so nauseated. It's the kind of sick when you just want to curl up on the bathroom floor where it's cool and protect your stomach. Like a horrible hangover kind of nauseated where you know greasy food will help, but the smell of it sends you running to the bathroom. Just standing here is making me want to vomit.

I also have an incredible headache. It's beating through my brain; pounding against the insides of my skull. I want to take something for it, but I don't want to mess with the meds. I know I can take Tylenol.

I wish I could down some Pepto, but I'm not sure if it's safe to use with the lithium. You have to be careful with this stuff. Lithium reacts with everything.

Usually when I feel this sick I'll sleep. I need to lie down somewhere. And I'm starting to shake. Ugh. I feel awful.

Lend a helping hand?

I love when you dig deep down in articles and there's a more interesting truth there. A study just came out that says alcoholics who help other alcoholics are more likely to stay sober. "Helping others in the program of AA has forged a therapy based on the kinship of common suffering and has vast potential." There's tons of evidence that giving back does as much or more good for you than it does for the cause you're supporting. AA encourages everyone to help other alcoholics, even if it's just making coffee at a meeting.

But then you look at the statistics. "...the investigators determined that 40 percent of the alcoholics who helped other alcoholics during their recovery successfully avoided drinking in the 12 months following three months in chemical dependency treatment, whereas only 22 percent of those that did not help others stayed sober. "

40%. Less than half of the alcoholics who helped others stayed sober. So if you turn it around, 60% of people who help other alcoholics don't stay sober. That's huge. It means you can be in the "middle" of the pack, doing all your service work and sponsoring people, and you can still be struck down by this disease. No one is safe.

That's why there are so many aspects to the program. You have to do the steps. You have to reach out to others for help, not just to help. Those phone numbers are there for a reason. AA is a multi-faceted program of recovery, and it demands your full attention. They say put sobriety first. "First things first."

I'm in no way saying helping is bad. Helping is awesome. Where would we be without sponsors or people to listen to us? Nowhere. People who help other alcoholics are essential to the survival of the individual. So go get that service position. Go talk to a newcomer or give them a ride to a meeting. But don't forget to reach out to someone and ask for help for yourself.