A little nap will do ya

I feel so stuck right now. I don't know what to do with myself. I have all that stuff in storage that needs to be gone through and sold. I have all sorts of stuff here that needs to be categorized in boxes and then moved to storage. I have job opportunities and I want to house hunt, but I don't even know where to look or in what price range.

As usual, I'm getting ahead of myself. It's all so overwhelming. So what do I want to do? I want to take a nap. I have this overwhelming urge to sleep right now. I just can't handle all the chaos that's going on around me. It's too much to think about, so I want to sleep.

Maybe just a little nap....

Ex-libris

I can't even bear to look at them. I have so many, and they just sit there collecting dust, but my love for them is strong. I love books.

I had a nightmare last night that I gave away a bunch of books to the library, but they just threw them out. It pained me so much to watch the imaginary librarian throw out my beloved novels and works of fiction. I couldn't stand it in my dream, and I don't think I would be much better in person.

There are just so many of them, and thinking about moving them all with me forever just makes me... overwhelmed. I can't imagine it. At this point I have over 20 boxes of books: novels of young women in trouble, non-fiction about mental illness, art books, and 3 boxes of religious texts. All things that I love to read and think about, and even quote from occasionally. I can't just let them go without knowing they would be going to a good home.

So they're all moving to storage. It's becoming a catch-all for things I just don't want to think about anymore. It's all just becoming a hide-away. I know that kind of behavior can't happen. It will become crowded with crap and I'll end up moving in somewhere with a UHaul full of junk. I need to go through the storage already and get rid of some things. Spring is here: time to clean.

Nice to meet you

Apparently panic attacks and job interviews go well together. The interview I had the other week where I was shaking and a mess? They called me back for a second interview. I think it's the writing test I did. If anything, I can write under pressure. I can't find the job description online again, but I think it was just fine. I'll ask for a paper copy, perhaps.

The job would be here in the area, though on the other side of the city. I would either have to live close to work in a place I hate (I just can't stand the area around the organization), or I could live around here and deal with a shitty commute. I think if they offer it I'm just going to take it. I need to move out, and it's a good job.

Let's get past the next interview, first.

Bleh

It's been a tough, emotional kind of day. I didn't realize it until I sat here and tried to go to sleep, but my brain is all a twitter. Turning 31 while living at home is going to be really hard. I can't stand it already, and it's not even my birth month, for crying out loud.

We're moving all the stuff in the apartment to make room for new floors, and I had to pack up a stack of books in my room today. "Dad, these are yours." "No, they're all books that I thought you would want. They all mention your grandfather." Grandpa. I miss him a lot. He was my rock, my hero, the only adult in my life. I could rely on him for anything. I could have asked him for help right now. I wouldn't have, but I could have. He was solid. It's been 3 years. I can't believe it.

I feel so... bleh. I don't even have the energy to type it out. I can't even verbalize. It's just... bleh.

Shit sucks

I've been reminded twice today that my birthday is coming up in 3 weeks. I'm not going to the look back yet, but boy what a year it's been. It was the best 6 months of my life in the beginning, and the worst past 6 months. I suppose there is yin and yang, good and bad, in all things, but man, what a ride.

My aunt and my therapist, Julie, both told me I have to stop saying everything is alright. I'm allowed to be upset, miserable, depressed. In fact, I probably should be. But I'm so used to being optimistic. I'm used to seeing the bright side of life. But shit sucks! Man, I'm about to be 31, living at home on a twin bed with all my stuff in storage, I lost my dog, I don't have my car but I'm still paying for it, I have one friend here that I see, and I'm not even dating. Shit sucks.

Here I go again. Well, if it sucks, Anne, what are we going to do about it? I'm going out with an old friend on Sunday and he just invited me to something next month, too. I'm supposed to go out tomorrow night with someone, but I don't think she remembers it's tomorrow. I'll have to call in the morning. I'd like to see her. So there, I'm hanging out with friends and getting out of the house.

I don't want to do anything else on the dating front because I don't know where I'll be living. Damn. I need to just do it. I need to just date. I'm scared, I guess. I've gained some weight back, which makes me feel self-conscious. And I don't have any of my cute shoes and dresses. They're all in storage. And I don't have somewhere to take a date should I want to take them home. Sigh.

I need to get it together. No wallowing in how much my life has changed this year. I need to move forward. Time to move on. Now how can I get out of here?

1 + 1 does not equal 2

I need to get the hell out of here, so I did a few calculations, and it seems one clear picture came out of it: I'm stuck. I make $800 every 2 weeks. It's minimum $1,000 to rent a studio here. Then I pay $500 to cover my car. So that's $1,500 I'd be spending, and $1,600 I'd be making. It's just not possible. I knew this; It's the reason I moved from the other coast, anyway. I knew I couldn't make it on my own, but I just feel so awful here that I had to try.

I'm thinking of just taking any old job (think retail) just to get by and make a little more money so I can move out. I don't want to be living here after April, and there's no guarantee I'm going to get a full-time gig before then. Maybe I should have taken that other job, boredom or no, but I just can't see hating my next job before I even start it.

But I've got to get out of here....

Baby talk

"Where do you want to be when you're 34?"

"I don't know. Everything has changed since I hit this rough patch. My timeline is off. But I just figured out something that changes everything: I don't think I want kids."

"I'm glad to hear that."

Really? My aunt thinks I need to be pampered; taken care of instead of being the one who always takes care of others.

"You and your cousin Henry shouldn't have kids. I've told him this, too. You both would be better marrying someone who has kids already, older kids."

I wouldn't mind someone elses kids. Especially older kids. I think that would be just fine. I just have no patience for the screaming toddler phase or the losing sleep of infancy. Call me selfish, but I'm just not the kid type.

"My generation fucked up raising kids, and I can say that cause I did it too, though my kids are great. The baby boomers, the hippies, just all screwed it up."