Keep an eye on those girls

Watch your daughters friend choices.

"The findings show that girls tend to initiate the transition to a mixed-gender friendship network earlier than boys, and continue this transition at a faster pace during adolescence. As a result girls who experienced this transition early and fast were more likely to develop substance abuse problems during late adolescence."

I always tried to make guy friends, and I had a lot of guy friends in my neighborhood. I definitely pursued boys in order to be friends with them, and, of course, a lot of those friendships turned sexual. And I got a lot of my drugs from these older guys. But I always knew I was going to be a trouble maker. Since I was little I knew I'd be tattooed and drug-using. I always thought I'd either be dead or married with kids by now. Turns out I'm neither, and not using anymore, either. Who woulda thunk.

Read me

Book review in the New York Times today for a new memoir called "Henry's Demons." It follows a family through their sons' diagnosis with schizophrenia. In the review, they quote one part of the book as saying, “Jan and I were upset, but we both thought cannabis was fairly harmless. It wasn’t until Henry was in the hospital that we learned of its possible devastating impact on somebody genetically predisposed to schizophrenia.”

Wait a minute. Are they saying they think smoking pot can bring on schizophrenia? I'm sure it doesn't do anything good for a developing brain, especially one prone to mental illness. There is some research out there on pot and schizophrenia. So I guess it is a statement that has truth behind it. I always wondered what all those drugs did to my bipolar....
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Another interesting thing in the review, the author is quoted as saying, “We, as a family, will always have to cope with the consequences of his schizophrenia. But that, after all, is what families are for.”

Ponder that one.

Being a teen is hard

Another study on those poor rats. They found that kids who binge drink in high school, or who smoke pot before the age of 16, have higher levels of cortisol, which is associated with high stress levels.

“That is the same type of profile that we see in adult patients who have been diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder” and other mood disorders, says Pak. “They are not able to get used to stressors and they have very exaggerated responses to mild stress....Stress can pull the trigger on the genetic gun.”

In other words: that high stress life in childhood might just be the trigger that set off your genetic pre-disposition to depression, bipolar, schizophrenia, or other diseases/disorders.

I know I had a lot of drug/drink use in high school, as well as a lot of external family stressors. They know kids who are lonely are also predisposed to this kind of disorder, and I sure had 2 years in public school where I had one friend, and I was absolutely miserable. I had a boyfriend who was just with me to make his ex jealous, and I still think that some guys are tricking me. Especially with Adam. I thought it was too good to be true.

I wonder all the time if a lot of my bipolar symptoms are actually the result of all that LSD I did in high school. I was up to maybe 16 tabs, which is past the "legal limit" for sanity. I wonder, too, what my brain looks like. And what my poor liver looks like. I should donate my body to science.

Will the bipolar calm down?

"Alcohol exposure during adolescence alters the body's ability to respond to stress in adulthood....problems regulating stress are associated with behavioral and mood disorders, the findings may indicate that binge drinking in adolescence leads to increased risk of anxiety or depression in adulthood."

I began drinking and doing drugs when I was 15. I had depression issues before that, but wasn't diagnosed bipolar until a little bit after I started doing drugs. I dealt with the stress in my life by doing drugs, and believe me, there was a lot of stress in my life. I hear people say all the time that they used to think, "If you had my problems you'd drink too!" I suppose that's what I was saying, without saying that.

I don't know when I started having panic attacks, but I don't think it was until college. I know I was a mess, then, but I also wasn't on medication except drinking. I did the occasional drug, but not really. I smoked, too. I kept dealing with the stress by drinking. Every time something went wrong, I got drunk.

So in my adulthood, I have trouble dealing with stress. Is it because of that early drug use? Is it because I've gotten into the habit of dealing with stress with substances? I've been under a lot of stress lately, and haven't dealt with stress with substances. I've been able to just deal with it (with the help of cigarettes and diet Coke). I wonder if just breaking that habit will help me deal with stress. I wonder when I break the cigarette habit, if that will help me deal with stress?

I wonder a lot whether the drugs I took made me bipolar instead of just depressed. I did take an anti-depressant and went manic, which is a good indicator of being bipolar, but could it have been exacerbated by my drug and alcohol use? I'm hoping that the longer I'm sober the less drugs I need to be on. I'm hoping it will calm down the bipolar.

Marya Hornbacher talks about still being on meds, and talks about how you'll still be bipolar without the drugs. I think that's true: It will still be there. She had a severe case of bipolar, which I don't have, but I know it will still be something I'll have to deal with, just maybe lesser.

The meds question again

Got together with Annie today (it's fun when people have your name) and read a little from the Big Book. We were going to go out to a meeting, but the metro was a little late because of service on the line I was on. So we read instead.

We read something called Acceptance about a pharmacist who did a lot of his own drugs as well as drank too much. Annie and I talked about taking prescription meds, and she mentioned that some people are so against it that they won't even sponsor you. But she's on meds, and thinks that if you need it, take it. She said she's not ready to give that up, and I shouldn't be unless I want to. "It would kill me," she said, "I'd probably commit suicide."

I totally believe that. Every time I've been off meds I've either tried to commit suicide, or I've been in that dark place where I totally could. I don't ever want to go back there.

I have 2 pigeon sisters (people who are sponsored by my sponsor) who are on meds. We talked about it last night on the way to the meeting. I haven't broached it with my sponsor, but I'm sure they have, and she seems ok with it. I don't even want to know if she is against it. Hiding again. Sigh. I should tell her.

Drugs and pregnancy

I've always wondered whether or not to have kids. I think I would like to have kids, but I also think if it never happens it won't be the end of the world. I'm kind of in the middle of it. But one of the big concerns I have is as a bipolar woman whether or not I should have kids, and whether or not I should stay on medications.

Beyond Blue had a little interesting article on this topic this morning. It's not a yes or no statement, really. Taking medication is a decision you take on with your doctor and your partner. It's something that can work for one person, and maybe not for another.

Scientists can't ethically test drugs on pregnant women, so there isn't a lot of information out there about the effects of drugs on a developing fetus. But there is a lot of anecdotal information. Think about when you go off your drugs now. What happens? You get manic, or depressed. Now add the wild card of pregnancy hormones and you have a lot of risk factors for a relapse.

So is it more important to you to be stable through your pregnancy and risk the side effects, or make sure there are no side effects from drugs and risk a relapse? One of the things the article reminds you of is the fact that when you're manic or depressed you're more likely to take actions that may put a pregnancy at risk; like driving erratically, missing appointments, drinking and smoking, etc.

It's a choice every woman has to make, and there is no right answer. You just have to weigh the pros and cons as you understand them, and go for it. It's all a crap shoot.

The fizzing makes me crazy

Sometimes the sound of a Coke can fizzing makes me crazy. One time while I was on LSD, I started hearing the sound of a Coke fizzing. It was the only thing in my head. It made me super paranoid, like I couldn't hear anything anyone was saying over the noise. So when I open a Coke can now and can hear the bubbles, it just takes me back there. It makes me nervous that I won't be able to get it out of my head anymore.

I haven't been thinking about coke or other drugs lately. In fact, I've been pretty sober, besides the fact that I'm shopping and can't seem to stop eating candy. But it's just that time of the year. I still fit in my pants, which is a good gauge of insanity.

I'm a statistic

"Prior research has consistently found associations between psychiatric conditions (e.g., depression, bipolar disorder, posttraumatic stress disorder [PTSD], schizophrenia and alcohol and/or drug use disorders) and risk of fatal and non-fatal suicide attempts."

Mostly a duh kind of statement, but interesting that women with substance abuse problems are at a higher risk of suicide. I wonder if part of it is the mind altering or depressive qualities of alcohol and drugs.

I hate to think that I'm a statistic. Drunk, bipolar woman tries to commit suicide. I'm on a list somewhere as a statistic. Boo.

Head twitch response

We were talking the other day (or I was typing and you guys were reading) about serotonin. I found an article with a good description:

"Serotonin has tremendous influence over several brain functions, including the control of perception, cognition, sleep, appetite, pain, and mood and mediates these effects through interactions with receptors located throughout the central and peripheral nervous systems."

In this study they looked at the difference between serotonin in the brain and hallucinogens. Apparently they work differently, since serotonin works through different pathways in the brain.

Another great quote:

"Both serotonin and the N-methyltryptamines produce what is known as a head twitch response in animal models, which indicates that the serotonin 2A receptor has been activated."

Seriously? "Head twitch response?" Love the side effects.

I love research

Cocaine is fascinating to read about. I know I didn't have an addiction, because I never sought it out or paid for it myself. I only did it if it was around, and then I did lots of it.

"The lining of the nose and sinus cavity has enough water to dissolve the base drug and it is absorbed into the blood stream there." It's really interesting to know how it works in your body. It can cause paranoia, but it normally just causes euphoria. It can make you feel on top of the world, and it's short lived, which is why people have to take more and more to get that feeling.

I love research.

Coke is not my friend

I was thinking about relapse today in the car with Jane after the meeting. We were talking about drugs, and she asked my drug of choice. When I was young it was LSD, which I don't think is a lot of people's first choice. But in the past few years it's been coke. I love coke. I love snorting it, rubbing it on my gums, just doing it. It makes me happy.

I don't have a craving for alcohol, and I hang out around it all the time. But I think if I were presented with the opportunity to do coke, well, it would be really hard to resist. I just love everything about it. Would I relapse? There's a good possibility. Will I see coke anytime soon? Probably not. I don't know anyone who does coke anymore, and hadn't even seen it in a while.

So will I relapse? Hopefully not anytime soon.

Heroin is not your friend

Is it weird that I feel most comfortable in a room full of old heroin addicts and cons?

I always wanted to be a heroin addict. It was my goal. I would watch MTV as a kid and think about how cool it would be to be the girl in the Cherry Pie video who was chained up to the fence writhing around like she was on dope. I wanted to be her. I wanted big teased hair and to wear all leather. I wanted to get high. I didn't know anything about it, but I wanted to be high.

I first found marijuana. Gateway drug, whatever, but it was for me. I would smoke pot every day and I loved to smoke it with anything laced on top: crack, heroin, PCP, anything. I loved it laced the most. Pot alone was kinda boring. If I had to smoke just pot, I would light my bowl with my cigarette so at least I was getting something else, too. Even if it was just nicotine.

Tonight a man spoke about his heroin addiction. He had all sorts of horrible times, and now is finally clean and a dad. He's loving his life now. I can't wait till I don't want to be a heroin addict any more. I mean, I don't want to be a... well, I do think about drugs all the time. I love drugs. They make me feel so much better. I think I like drugs more than I like alcohol, but I was never that great about getting them for myself. I always had to have a boyfriend who could get me something, and I was nice enough to share with all my friends.

So yeah, there's still something in me that wants to be a heroin addict. I'm watching the cursor blink at me, and I'm thinking how crazy that statement sounds.

No wonder I'm so hungry

"Because narcotics such as cocaine, heroin and amphetamines, and even tasty and highly-caloric foods also cause the release of dopamine and therefore make people feel rewarded, it's clear that dopamine has a role in addiction and the development of obesity."

All of it has to do with dopamine. It seems that people seek it out. Pigs do, too. Truffles release dopamine in pigs, which is why they hunt them down. At least, that's my theory. I know that pigs hunt them down. I'm sure some other animals look for mushrooms for the same reason.

Dopamine deals with the pleasure receptors in your brain. All the drugs and high calorie foods make you feel good, too, according to this and other studies.

Perhaps we're all dopamine deprived? Perhaps addicts and compulsive eaters lack certain dopamine producing elements in their brains? There's a new article in Time this week talking about what things effect kids in the womb. Perhaps there are things that mothers of addicts do differently that creates this dopamine lack. Or maybe our receptors are messed up, instead. That's what the drugs do, they produce more dopamine.

Or maybe it's all genes: "But researchers may finally be honing in on specific genes tied to all types of addictions - and finding that some of the same genes associated with alcohol dependence are also closely linked with addictions to nicotine, cocaine, opoids, heroin and other substances."

Get off my lawn!

I'm a crotchedy old badger, now. I just called the cops on some kids who were smoking pot in my neighbors' yard. My neighbor is in the hospital, and I've seen them back there three days in a row, now. I chased them off the other day, and one of them had a wad of money in his hand. Teenagers.

I remember when I used to smoke pot. I hid under the overpass or in the forest. I wasn't out in the daylight where people could smell and see me! Jesus. Kids are stupid these days. Besides, you have to learn to talk to cops, just in case you are ever in real trouble. He let them all go, but man did they jump when he walked in the yard! I heard one guy spook.

This is what we do in small towns on a Friday night.

Why is all news so depressing?

Now those sleeping pills can kill you, too.

"Both sleeping pills and anti-anxiety drugs can affect a person's alertness and co-ordination, which could make them more prone to falls and other accidents.

Another theory is that they interfere with the breathing system and affect any breathing problems as the person sleeps.

The medicines also work on the central nervous system, possibly increasing the risk of suicide."

We all knew there was an increased risk of suicide in anti-anxiety drugs, as there is in most drugs people take for depression, which just doesn't make any sense whatsoever. But now sleeping pills might be responsible for premature death.

I take Seroquel when I'm super anxious, and it does effect my coordination and sometimes makes me sleepy on the road. This could lead to all sorts of fatal falls and accidents, which is why I only take it occasionally. There's got to be something else out there that won't put me to sleep when I'm anxious, or make me loopy, but I suppose that's the part of the brain they work on.

A new drug

So there's this new "hip" thing to do when you want a treatment for depression. It's called ayahuasca, and it's an ancient Peruvian concoction from plants that many take in ritual. People have apparently been coming from across the world to try it out, and see if it cures depression. They say it's non-addicting, and can actually help addicts, but of course, "...taking ayahuasca is no magic carpet ride. Some users go on a terrifying journey replete with nightmarish visions. Ayahuasca also induces a severe gastrointestinal reaction, leaving users retching and discharging from both ends."

Wow, that sounds awesome. Lithium already causes all sorts of problems, but I don't think I'd trade it for that kind of ride. But some folks apparently like that sort of thing.

"'You know, it is just really nurturing, caring, it is an amazing thing,' he said."

Nurturing vomit and diarrhea? To each his own.

Doing the drug dance

"Patients with bipolar disorder who failed to find relief from their depression with other standard treatments experienced fast-acting relief from a single intravenous (IV) dose of a drug called ketamine, according to a new, small study."

Um, ketamine, like Special K? Uh, people have been abusing that for years. Yes, of course it brings you up - it works like PCP!

"Ketamine produces effects similar to phencyclidine .... Ketamine produces a dissociative state, characterised by a sense of detachment from one's physical body and the external world which is known as depersonalization and derealization."

I totally used to snort and smoke Special K for the amazing effects it had on me. I loved PCP, so when K became more available I switched. Well, used both is more like it. It can take you out of your body, which is nice when all you want to do is escape yourself. Like any drug, it makes you feel like you don't have any troubles, but it can also make you feel even crazier.

I wonder sometimes if all the damage I did by doing drugs just made my mental illness worse. It probably didn't help.

The thrill is gone, the thrill is gone away.

It's all gone. The drugs, the booze. It all left my house in a box last night.

Even while smoking a half pack a day (only since I quit the booze)I'm training for a marathon in November. I know, that's crazy. And I missed the last two weeks of training cause I was too hungover to run on Tuesdays, Fridays, and Sundays. Luckily those were only 3 mile runs. But then yesterday came the 9 mile run, and I was fresh and ready for it. Also luckily, my respiratory system is in awesome shape, so no wheezing or anything. And so Michael came over and we ran. We ran across the bridge to the ferry, around the bay side and back.

About three miles in I knew it was time. "So, if you haven't guessed, I joined AA." And then an amazing thing happened: he was supportive. I hadn't expected that. See, Michael is my drinking buddy. We usually have 4 bottle Fridays and Saturday cookouts filled with cold, bubbly white wine. We always drink together. And yet, he was supportive of my getting clean. "I never knew you drank so much alone, or blacked out so much."

And then he asked questions. Questions about whether AA blames only character defects or family problems. Whether AA pushed God on you. Whether or not this meant sober for life. And then he did the expected: "Can I have all your booze?" Damn. I knew I needed to get it out of the house, but to someone who will suck down my good wine in 5 minutes and not even taste it? These are $30 and $40 bottles of wine! Damn.

We got back to the house and the clean up began. "What about the drugs?" I'd forgotten about those. I had a serious temptation to just keep those, or take them immediately. They're not MY prescription, but they are prescription meds...

But I didn't. And so out the door went a case of beer, a bottle of vodka, 5 bottles of wine, some Adderall and some Ativan. All gone. My wine rack looks so empty. What in the world will I fill it with? My fridge now is full of diet Coke. And my prescriptions are all ones given to me by my doctor.

So my house is clean, just like me. It's all gone. Now, if I want to relapse, I've gotta go looking for it. And as someone said in a meeting, that gives you a chance to rethink what you're doing and stop. God, please lift this obsession, and quickly.