Delirious

So I've been thinking about Adam again. We hung out the other night with all of our old friends and it was so great to see him having fun. It took a while for him to relax into the situation, but I think once he realized no one was judging him, he was ok. It was good to have everyone out together. It was so much like old times that I had the compulsion to make out with him.

Not like I don't have that compulsion all the time, anyway. Yep, it's been years now and I still can't seem to shake these feelings I have for him. I was able to "get over it" for a little bit, but every time we hang out I just want to yell, "Love me!" Of course there's stuff about him I don't like, and I hate his bedroom furniture, but that doesn't keep me from wanting to be with him. Do I want to date him? Kind of, yeah. Wait. Yes. I do. I want to be with him. I love him.

So, my options. Run away, which sounds wonderful and like the solution to all my problems; discuss it with him AGAIN, which sounds like slow, painful rejection; or tough it out. I have been applying to jobs all over the country, but there's this part of me that keeps saying, "But if you stay here, maybe it will happen...." But I can't live on that dream. He's said no, so I need to assume he means it. Which means I'm down to run away or tough it out.

I suppose it all depends on where I get a job. My whole life is dependent on jobs right now. Blah. I hate loving him so much.