Self flagellation serves it's purpose

Do cutters suffer from more guilt over little things? I wonder if they could test that theory. What they did test was does pain relieve guilty feelings. And apparently the answer is yes.


"According to the scientists, although we think of pain as purely physical in nature, in fact we imbue the unpleasant sensation with meaning. Humans have been socialized over ages to think of pain in terms of justice. We equate it with punishment, and as the experimental results suggest, the experience has the psychological effect of rebalancing the scales of justice -- and therefore resolving guilt."

Kind of like self-flagellation that was so popular in the middle ages and beyond, where people whipped themselves or things like that to atone for their sins. Perhaps we cutters are just trying to deal with guilty feelings? I wonder if there are more cutters in Judeo-Christian religions? I mean, hell, they're based on a strong sense of guilt. It would be interesting to know.

Cut on que

Um....: "Videos depicting self-injury, in which people deliberately cut or wound themselves as a coping strategy, are gaining an online audience."

Ok, so the internet brings us all together and normalizes behaviors, right? Think you're weird? You can probably find someone like you on the internet. But that extends to things like pro-anorexia websites (which I will not link to) which teach you how to be anorexic and show skinny celebs as influence. Now there are these cutting websites? Jesus.

When I was suicidal my therapist said, "At least you're not looking at suicide videos." Honestly, it never even occurred to me that that sort of thing would be on the internet, but I suppose everything is on there. I feel disgusted thinking about it. Death is such a personal thing and to publicize it for what? Your last 15 minutes of fame? So someone else can follow in your footsteps? How incredibly selfish and disgusting.

People just don't have boundaries anymore (says the girl who shares everything with an anonymous audience). People don't know when to stop. Well, trust me, I'm not posting death videos or describing my cutting experiences in depth so others can follow suit. Ugh. Sometimes I hate the connectivity of the world these days.

Bypassing the thoughts

Well, we're back to being depressed. I've finally hit weepy, suicidal, icky-poo-yucky depressed. I either can't sleep at all or sleep so much it's ridiculous, and I never know which night is going to be which. I'm not hungry at all, and I'm even losing interest in coffee, which is not a good thing. Coffee is my friend. I feel like I'm on autopilot - just going through the motions.

I have so many scars on my hands from cutting or "accidentally" cutting. You know, the knife slips, or I put my hand through a window. Accidents. In this light, and in this depression, it's easier to see them. I notice them more and think about drawing over them with a new blade. Just drawing out the red; just to see it dripping slowly down my thumb. So I'm keeping blades away from me.

I'm scared of razors, anyway. Since my suicide attempt 8 years ago I've been afraid of them. Yesterday at work there was one on the desk and I had to get it away from me, but I was so afraid to pick it up. It took me 15 minutes, but I got up the courage to gently lift it and move it to the other side where I couldn't see it. I turned away from it, but never with my back to it (like it could spring up and get me).

I've had the thought of suicide come through my brain in the past couple days, but it's just been the thought, and then the thought subsides. It's never a plan, never a reason coming up, just the thought, "You should just kill yourself." Talking with Julie (the therapist) today, and she asked what I say to myself when that happens. I usually think one of three things: I'm too curious to leave; you fucked up so bad last time and look what happened; someone else would have to suffer by finding you, and that's unfair.

So they never make it past just a thought. And I know they're silly, but I can't help it. Such is the nature of depression: you have no control over it. Julie wants me to get out of the house and use exercise, people, and drugs as deterrents to this depression. I'm getting out of the house tomorrow for an interview, Thursday for work, and Friday for a meetup, so that's good. I'll have a reason to get out of bed. I need to start exercising again, and meds is a whole nother post....

Are tattoos harm?

Weird. On Facebook a friend of mine just posted that she's 10 months sober. I had no idea she was in AA. She took a picture of her chips and posted the picture. I am so proud of her. She used to smoke a lot of pot in high school, and I can imagine her being an alcoholic. She's a tattoo artist, and it's funny how many of them are sober. I should give her a call and see if she wants to go to a meeting and tattoo me.

My dad the other day said he read a study that tattooing is a replacement for cutting. Haven't we talked about this already? I haven't found the study, but this sounded interesting:

"Now, 10 tats is a lot of tats. Are you a self-harmer? I don't know. Are you distorting yourself to make yourself special or different, maybe even to get attention? Probably...that's where the BPD comes in. You are naturally impulsive and you like tattoos. Hence, 10 tattoos. The real question is this...and this is the conceptual/theoretical relationship between tattooing and BPD -- do you get a secret pleasure from the relinquishing of control and symbolic victimhood associated with experience of getting a tattoo? If so, that's what you need to look at because it brings us into the realm of self-harm and sado-masochism."

I have 8.

A replacement for cutting?

Speaking of tattoos, my therapist is convinced I traded cutting for tattoos. I totally think she's right. Whenever I get super stressed now I think of getting a tattoo. I have about 6, but one is a full back piece. It's truly awesome, and I love the feeling I get from getting a tattoo. The only problems with covering your back are: you can't see it; there's nowhere else to put a tattoo that no one else can see.

I would love to continue the tattoo down my arm and make a sleeve out of it, but that's damn hard to cover up. I'd have to wear long sleeves all the time, or at least ones that come to my elbow. I think I could manage it, but I would be wearing my black sweater constantly. I already can't wear dresses without a sweater to work, so there's no difference there. Maybe I'll just do it. I only trust one artist, and I would like it to be all of his work. I have three that aren't his, and they don't come close to the kind of special work he's done.

Also, what to do next? A sleeve requires a lot of thinking. I could just continue the rose pattern all the way down my arm, but it would be nice to have another symbol of myself built in there. I could put another scene from Alice in Wonderland, but I wonder what I would do. The red queen and Alice was another one I wanted in the back piece, but didn't fit. Perhaps that's the way to go. Or since the bear paw would be in the middle, that might have to fit into the theme.

I'm always getting ahead of myself. I still have 4 hours left on the back piece!

Does smoking help you stop cutting?

Damn. "...in the long term we found teens who started to smoke reported higher depressive symptoms."

I wonder if I quit smoking if I'll have less depressive symptoms? When I tried to quit earlier, it brought back all those self-harming tendencies, and I just wanted to cut so badly. I thought about this, and looked it up online. Apparently, I'm not the only one for whom smoking depresses the urge to self-harm. I really worry that if I quit smoking again I'll just start cutting instead.

I had a dream last night that everything was going wrong, and I had quit smoking, and there was no way for me to deal with my stress. I mean, I usually would drink, or smoke, or something it away. What could I do to control my emotions without substances? What the hell will I do when shit really happens? Will my meds and the program be enough to sustain me or will I self-harm, or take up smoking again, or something else?

Cutting really does relieve the pain

I just read an interesting study that says borderline people (and I'm assuming the rest of us in the Axis II category) actually feel pain differently than others, and the pain we administer to ourselves through self-harm does actually make us feel better.

"'These data are consistent with the hypothesis that physically painful stimuli provide some relief from emotional distress for some patients with borderline personality disorder because they paradoxically inhibit brain regions involved in emotion. This process may help them to compensate for deficient emotional regulation mechanisms.'

The authors note that these results are in line with previous findings on emotional hyperactivity in borderline personality disorder and suggest that these individuals process pain stimuli differently depending on their arousal status."

Physical pain changes the emotional stressors in your brain and gives relief from them. This is what patients have been reporting for years; it works.

Doesn't mean you should do it, though. There are a million other, healthy ways to deal with your emotions. If you're a self-harmer, let your doctor know and come up with a healthy living plan. It's not worth the accidental "too much" harm.

A cutting story

Dave over at Struggling had a really good post this morning on cutting and what led up to it, and how it made him feel. It reminded me that I haven't shared my cutting story.

I always used to cut. As long as I can remember, I used to take the bread knife in my parents kitchen and press it into my wrist, making little blood bubbles. I eventually had little scars, and I couldn't figure out what they were from - I had blocked most of that period out. I progressed to having an exacto knife in my room, and cleaning it every time with betadyne. I would cut my fingers open, and draw on the walls of my room with blood. I would write poetry, and then cover it up with posters. I also had notebooks full of drawings in blood.

When I was 23 I did the worst damage. I hadn't cut since high school, but something led me to it that day. My mom cuts. She cuts deep, with razor blades, and always ends up at the hospital. I had recently taken away her blades while she was away, and didn't know what to do with them, so I put them under my bathroom sink.

I was out that night, getting wasted with my friends. My bartender friend and DJ roommate had to stay at work, so Emily, her sister and I went back to my apartment to drink more. And then Emily laid it on: you're wasting your life; you need to get out of here; you're blah, blah, blah. I felt so awful. I started crying, and I never cry. Her sister dragged her out of there.

I collapsed onto the floor of the kitchen, crying harder than I'd ever cried. Suddenly, I thought of cutting to make the pain go away. That adrenaline rush makes the depression disappear, if only for a minute. I went into the bathroom, grabbed a razor, and did what I used to do: I pressed. I had never used a razor before, and didn't understand the damage it could do. I looked down, and all I could see was a broken tendon and the fat cells in my wrist. I immediately knew what I had done, and put my hand over it to hold in the bleeding. I ran to the phone and called 911.

The paramedics didn't seem to care. They bandaged my arm, and slowly walked me to the ambulance. I showed up at the hospital, and it took hours for someone to see me. The doctor sewed me up without anesthesia, probably because I was already drunk, and told me, "If I ever see you here again, I'm not going to help you." I was already devastated, and hadn't stopped crying yet.

They took me upstairs to the psych ward and locked me in for the night. I couldn't stop crying and by this time I was wailing. They gave me a sedative, and I woke up the next morning crying all the same. I called my dad. I didn't want to. In fact, it was the last thing I wanted to do. Suddenly, I had lots of visitors. I didn't want to see anyone; I was so embarrassed. But they all came anyway. Everyone who loved me showed up. And they always show up in my life. I knew then that I could never do that again, it was too risky.

And so now when I feel like cutting, I go get a tattoo. It provides that same temporary relief, that same adrenaline. I can't even be around razors anymore. So don't worry about me; I'll always remember that night. I have the scar to remind me every day.

Dreaming of Bud

I had a dream last night that was so real. I was with some friends, cleaning up after a party, and talking to one of them. I reached out to clean something up, and the next thing I knew I had taken a swig of a Bud lite. I could taste it. I could feel it in my mouth and actually taste it. Suddenly, I got really worried. I didn't even remember wanting it or reaching for it, or even taking that swig! I wasn't sure if I should just get wasted now that I'd ruined everything, or if I should just freak out and call my sponsor.

The thing is, no one I know drinks Bud lite, nor did I (since high school).

I woke up without the taste in my mouth, and went to a meeting. I've heard people say they have booze dreams, but I'd never had one before. It was just so real.

Emily called today to talk about AA. She was really supportive, and asked if I had a sponsor and all sorts of other questions. She was great. I wasn't sure if she would remind me of her trip through AA and try to discourage me, or not. She didn't even try, she just laughed about her time there and had good questions. I told her about the quitting smoking and cutting thing, and she told me I'm an idiot for not calling her first. Honestly, it never popped into my mind to call someone. I just don't think like that most of the time. It's just not like me to reach out. But I will next time.

We talked about a lot of things, and it was really good to catch up with her. I need to call my friends more often.

Dreams are nothing but dreams

Today was mental illness day at the meeting. A lot of people talked about how they also have mental illness, and that it makes it kinda hard for sobriety. A bunch are also on disability (lucky) so it helps that they don't have jobs to get fired from.

I told this story once, but I've been thinking about it. Did I get fired because I was manic and just told my boss to stuff it, or was I so unproductive because I was drunk all the time that she was ready to let me go? It was probably a nice combination of the two.

My last job, I felt like the world was against me, that everyone was conspiring to make me look bad. I know now that that was my own paranoia over certain situations, and that it was probably brought on by stress. Stress makes my crazy go crazy.

I'm looking at getting a tattoo tomorrow. Just something small - something to distract me from the other feelings. I just need something, and it can't be a drink. I feel like I need something that will tap down those emotions like a drink used to do. I can't stand feeling them anymore.

I had a dream last night that I lost it and had to be hospitalized. I just started cutting like mad and then called my therapist. She told me to meet her at the hospital, but I couldn't drive, so I called Michael and told him to come get my dog while I was waiting for the ambulance. He came and said he would drive me to the hospital and then said, "Oh my God, look at your arms!" I looked, and started screaming, "Look at my arms!" When we got to the hospital I threw myself out in front of a car on the way across the street but didn't do any damage. We went inside and I started having a panic attack and screaming. They shot me full of Ativan and stitched me up. Then I ended up in treatment for a week, shouting and panicking the whole time till they had to give me ECT.

It was a crazy dream, and I woke up feeling shaky. I almost took the day off and called my therapist for an emergency meeting, but I had a conference call this morning that I couldn't miss. So instead, I made a meeting, and they talked about feeling mental illness. Sometimes God gives you just what you need.

Trying to work it all out

"People who self-injure are also prone to abuse alcohol and drugs. One way of thinking is that they do this to 'self-medicate' their bipolar symptoms – but like drugs and alcohol, self-injury only provides a 'quick fix.'" Bipolar Central

Cutting feels like a release. It releases built up tension and feelings - feelings you can't otherwise express. I've been a bit numb this week. I don't know what it is, but it's like my brain was feeling too many feelings after not feeling them in forever, and I just couldn't handle it. Now I don't feel anything.

Quitting drinking and cigarettes relieved me of all my coping mechanisms and seems to have exacerbated my bipolar symptoms. I know the feelings are there somewhere.

I went and bought a pack of cigarettes. I'm trying to limit myself to only smoking when I'm home, which isn't that many hours out of the day. It may seem like it by how many posts I write, but it's only a few hours.

I called my therapist, but haven't heard back yet. I am thinking of taking the Seroquel and just going to bed, but it just makes me feel awful in the mornings, and I fall asleep at work. I don't need to be any less productive than I already am at work.

I'm glad I have this blog to help me "think out loud." It's much better than just sitting here with my thoughts.

Tattoos and pain

I just realized something - I get tattoos instead of cut.

I've been really yearning for a tattoo lately. I was supposed to get one last month, but my dog got sick and I had to spend the money at the vet. My next one is scheduled for August 22, and I was thinking today that I can't wait that long. There's a tattoo parlor next door to my work, and I was thinking of just getting something small - something to tide me over until I get the next installment in my back piece.

I have 6 tattoos, and I've been tattooed more 10 times (some of them took a couple sessions). I'm working on a full back piece that will take up one whole side of my back. I love tattoos. I think they're beautiful and sexy. But I use them, too. I use them to get over my urge for pain and blood. I satisfy that deep urge by getting art put on my body. I love the pain that comes with it. I once sat for a tattoo for four hours. I could have gone longer, but my butt hurt just sitting there, and he was tired.

So I suppose I have been "cutting" all along. I've just been having someone else do it!

Hurts so good

Ok, don't freak out. I just had to do it. I didn't draw any blood - paperclips can't really hurt you - but I just had to scratch that itch. I just scratched myself, and the adrenaline is making me feel better already. It's just three little lines on my arm. They're not really even red or irritated.

I haven't cut in 7 years. Or 6. Something along those lines. I've gotten "accidental" bruises and cuts in the years in between, but nothing blatant. I'm going to smoke a cigarette when I get home and hope it takes the urge away. I purposefully have nothing sharp in my house (you should see me trying to saw through bread. I can't cut meat at my house cause all my knives are dull). I'm still afraid of razor blades because of the damage I did last time. I don't even like the disposable ones, but I can't stand the armpit hair more.

So I'm going to go home and call someone. Maybe my therapist. I don't know what she'll do. I mean, I didn't really do anything big, and I don't want to kill myself at all. I have no plan or anything. I'm fine in that regard - I'm just anxious and acting out. Maybe I'll call her now....

Addictions galore

Seriously, what the hell else can I be addicted to? I already have a food addiction (which I manage with Weight Watchers, but I'm doing a shitty job right now - I just had a packet of M&M's), I'm addicted to smoking (quitting isn't going so well....), I'm an alcoholic (thank God that's going well, though I have an urge today), and I think I'm addicted to feeling bad about myself (which being bipolar doesn't help)!

I'm hoping that as I turn my will and life over to the care of God he can remove some of these obsessions from me. I really want the food one to go away, because I hated being fat. I'll take smoking over fat any day. And the alcohol obsession is mostly gone, except in times of stress. I think I'm over-stressing myself by trying to quit smoking right now. My doc said it was a stupid idea, and so did my sponsor. But here I go trying to control everything despite advice from others. Is God speaking through them or through friends like Michael who are trying to get me to quit? Who the hell knows. Even he said it might be a bad idea, but that I should just cut down.

I smoked a cigarette last night. I just couldn't take the withdrawal anymore, and it was just raising my anxiety level. I have enough mania and psychosis creeping in without another catalyst to it.

I'm feeling less manic - more tired - but still a little off. I've been thinking about cutting all day, and the urge is stronger than it's been in a long time. My doc keeps telling me we need to keep a close eye on it, because withdrawal can exacerbate the bipolar symptoms and I may need a med change pretty soon. If these thoughts and mania continue to next week, she wants me to call the psych doc.

I like mania. If it didn't have so many bad parts like the urges and the psychosis, I would love to be manic all the time. It's so nice having so much energy! But I know it doesn't last, and it just gets me in trouble. So maybe it's time for the Seroquel again to calm me down. I just hate that it makes me so sleepy and numb.

This post is one big ramble. Sorry.

I have got to stop drinking so much caffeine

I feel a little weird, and I think it's a combo of the caffeine overdose that's happening in my system and the not drinking. Usually, I have my buddy alcohol to depress my nervous system and keep me low. Nice and low and depressed.

I've been super depressed for months now. Maybe even a year or two. Nothing big happened, just was feeling like I'm a shit and maybe I should do something about it. When I was a kid I was a cutter. I used to take a serrated edge knife to my wrists and press. It would make little holes, which I would then cover with Neosporin and move along my way. I used to sit up on the kitchen counter and do this. I remember it from my first memories: I was probably 8 when I started.

In high school I used to tear apart Coke cans with my fingers till my fingertips bled and I had scars. My teachers used to freak out, cause I did it in class, but no one ever suggested therapy or anything. I eventually quit doing it when I started doing drugs instead. I just moved one self-destructive behavior for another.

One night after a particularly hard night of drinking when I was 23, I cut again. That's a whole nother post. So the past year I've been thinking about it. What if I just accidentally cut myself shaving? What if I drop something and have to clean it up? Nothing concrete, just conjecture. But I hurt myself and others so badly last time that I was too scared to take action.

So now that I don't have that depression acting on me through booze, I don't feel like that anymore. I feel up, instead, which as a manic-depressive can be just as dangerous. I can't sleep. I'm writing so much, and still managing to read two books and three magazines, and GChat with Adam. Multi-tasking to the extreme.

My mom thinks it's the caffeine and not the illness. So let's all cut back on the caffeine for a bit and see what happens. Water here I come!