Oh, lordy, troubles so hard.

I believe in God. Always have. Well, maybe not ALWAYS. I've had my share of doubting Thomas moments, or more accurately, a few years of trying witchcraft, Taoism, Buddhism. You know, rejecting that Catholic upbringing for something else. Anything else but nuns and priests and an unforgiving God.

And then 7 years ago I went to a conference at a nunnery round here for a college course. There were nuns (maybe 3) still living there, and they helped run the days for us, giving us food and tending to our needs.

One day, I sat down in the library and picked up a little Thomas Merton book. A nun came in, and I asked if I could ask her a question. "How do you still believe, when the church hates gays and abortion and fights wars? How do you keep the church separate from God?" And she said, "You're not a true Catholic until you question your religion."

You have to question. It's better to take a good hard look at what you believe, and decide if it's something you can take or leave. And I realized, God isn't the catholic church. My God is forgiving and all loving.

A few years later, maybe 1, I started going back to church. I thought, "Maybe this can save me. Maybe being there and reciting the hymns and prayers will take away this pain and loneliness I feel. And it did, for a while. Until life got in the way. Or to be exact, I was too hungover to think about going to church on a Sunday morning, and when I did go, I felt guilty the entire time.

So when I came to AA and they asked me to believe in a higher power, I knew that was one step that would come easy to me. I believe in God, a loving God who could forgive me my sins and help this alcoholic a second chance. I knew that I could and should go back to that fellowship that feels so comfortable and sane.

And so that's the second step: believing he can help even me. Believing there is a power out there that loves me and can help restore me to sanity. Now, the biggest step: asking him for that help.