Smoke um if you got um

I tried to give up cigarettes this morning. I cleaned the backyard, and found a dead squirrel, and smoked my last cigarette. That was at 10am. It's 3pm and I just bought another pack.

I think smoking is harder to give up than drinking. I've been drinking longer, but for some reason smoking means more to me. It reminds me of high school and sneaking out at night. It reminds me of sitting in bars and listening to karaoke. It reminds me of sitting out by a fire at night and of relaxing.

My therapist agrees. Apparently people with mental illess, I'm bipolar, by the way, get a different reaction to cigarettes. They really do relax them, and change their brain chemistry. That's why you see schizophrenics chain smoking - it does help.

When you loose one mental crutch, like booze, it's hard to get rid of the rest of them. In fact, I've been leaning on smokes every time I want to drink. It also prevents me from eating more ice cream, which is an addiction in itself.

So, again, this is my last pack. This is the one that's going to end it all. I'm going to set limits - no smoking at work or in the car. That should get me down to 2 a night, and from there, I can stop smoking pretty soon. Let's hope.