Turning over a new leaf

"As we approach this step, most of us are afraid that there is a monster inside us that, if released, will destroy us. This fear can cause us to put off our inventory or may even prevent us from taking this crucial step at all. We have found that fear is lack of faith, and we have found a loving, personal God to whom we can turn. We no longer need to be afraid." - Narcotics Anonymous, Chapter 4

I'm sure afraid there's a monster inside. I'm afraid to let it out, even on paper. I know I share a lot with you guys, and I have been looking pretty deep into my own character in the past two months. I know there's a lot in there that is scary and really messed up. Some say step four is looking at where we've crossed our moral boundaries.

Growing up Catholic, I had a lot of moral boundaries. I wasn't going to have sex before marriage. I always swore I would treat people as I wanted to be treated. I would follow the golden rule. And I've broken all of those things. I've done people harm, explicitly and implicitly. I gossip, I cheat, I lie. These things are hard to admit.

So I'm afraid. I'm afraid that if I admit these things, with an open mind and heart, that they'll destroy me. I'll see how bad of a person I really am, and my self-pity will take over. I'll destroy the fragile ego I have now.

I'm excited for step four, though. I want to, well, need to, know these things. You can't fix something you don't know is wrong. And I need to fix these things. I need to become a better person: a more loving and kind person. And hopefully, my God can do that for me. God can release me from my pain and help me turn over a new leaf.