One moment at a time

When I was 11 I offhandedly told my dad that when I was with my mom I was in control. I knew then that she was out of control. So I developed a way to control my surroundings in order to keep myself safe. I developed a way to control her, as well. I kept that control all my life and plotted out every moment before it happened. I have spreadsheets detailing the pros and cons of things, the steps I need to take (even the 12 steps), and my five year plan.

So step three has been pretty hard for me. I can accept that there is a power greater than myself. I can accept that he's in charge, and that I am His tool to make things happen. I know I am just a vessel.

But it's giving up that control that takes me some time. I've stopped trying to control my mom, and I feel peace in that relationship. When I was able to give up control of the outcome of Adam's visit, I felt incredible peace with the moment. I was able to just take it one day at a time.

So I need to do that with my sobriety. One day at a time, one moment at a time, I need to be able to give it up to God and stop trying to take control over everything. I need to recognize that having my own five year plan isn't feasible, because God has his own idea about how it's going to go. I have no control over the outcome of situations, I can just make sure I get into good situations by not drinking.

I know that things will work out the way they're supposed to.