Tuesday, August 10, 2010
The obsession has not been lifted
The obsession to drink has not been lifted from me. It was for a while, but now that I'm feeling depressed, the thing I used to do to make me feel better was drink. I'm a happy drunk (to others) and it would take away that feeling of nothingness. I thought about going to a restaurant on my way home from the meeting and getting a beer. "Maybe I'm not that bad," I thought. "I've never been in the gutter. I never pushed people I love away from me. I've never been in jail."
But I know those are all just "yets." It would be easy for me to end up in jail for drunk driving. If I started drinking again I would feel so guilty that I would probably push people away. I could always end up homeless because I would go to work drunk and someone would notice.
Instead, I chose to work with my diseases, and to try to conquer that obsession by offering it up to God. I haven't done enough of that lately: saying to God that I need help. Well, I'm saying it again. God, show me again why this is a good idea. Let me remember that I can't have just one drink. Show me that my medication is actually working better. Remind me just how much better off I am now. Oh wait, He just did.
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Anne... if I may ask... are you working with a mentor in the program? someone for whom the obsession has been lifted? ... are you making contact with people every day for whom the obsession has been lifted?
ReplyDeleteThe first word of the first step is "we." For a long time (and sometimes, even still) higher power/God has been the group of drunks for whom the obsession has been lifted, that tells me how to get sober and gives me hope it can happen for me if I take direction.
My obsession was lifted when I admitted thoroughly that I could not use, even once, without risking my life. And then made progress through the steps with a trusted mentor who knew the big book.
On a practical level, exercise also helps me tremendously. No kidding. I'm subject to depression, especially in winter. Studies show it's as effective for some people (even more effective) than medication. ... For bipolar disorder, it might be a different issue. with every good wish, --G