Addictions galore

Seriously, what the hell else can I be addicted to? I already have a food addiction (which I manage with Weight Watchers, but I'm doing a shitty job right now - I just had a packet of M&M's), I'm addicted to smoking (quitting isn't going so well....), I'm an alcoholic (thank God that's going well, though I have an urge today), and I think I'm addicted to feeling bad about myself (which being bipolar doesn't help)!

I'm hoping that as I turn my will and life over to the care of God he can remove some of these obsessions from me. I really want the food one to go away, because I hated being fat. I'll take smoking over fat any day. And the alcohol obsession is mostly gone, except in times of stress. I think I'm over-stressing myself by trying to quit smoking right now. My doc said it was a stupid idea, and so did my sponsor. But here I go trying to control everything despite advice from others. Is God speaking through them or through friends like Michael who are trying to get me to quit? Who the hell knows. Even he said it might be a bad idea, but that I should just cut down.

I smoked a cigarette last night. I just couldn't take the withdrawal anymore, and it was just raising my anxiety level. I have enough mania and psychosis creeping in without another catalyst to it.

I'm feeling less manic - more tired - but still a little off. I've been thinking about cutting all day, and the urge is stronger than it's been in a long time. My doc keeps telling me we need to keep a close eye on it, because withdrawal can exacerbate the bipolar symptoms and I may need a med change pretty soon. If these thoughts and mania continue to next week, she wants me to call the psych doc.

I like mania. If it didn't have so many bad parts like the urges and the psychosis, I would love to be manic all the time. It's so nice having so much energy! But I know it doesn't last, and it just gets me in trouble. So maybe it's time for the Seroquel again to calm me down. I just hate that it makes me so sleepy and numb.

This post is one big ramble. Sorry.