Dreams are nothing but dreams

Today was mental illness day at the meeting. A lot of people talked about how they also have mental illness, and that it makes it kinda hard for sobriety. A bunch are also on disability (lucky) so it helps that they don't have jobs to get fired from.

I told this story once, but I've been thinking about it. Did I get fired because I was manic and just told my boss to stuff it, or was I so unproductive because I was drunk all the time that she was ready to let me go? It was probably a nice combination of the two.

My last job, I felt like the world was against me, that everyone was conspiring to make me look bad. I know now that that was my own paranoia over certain situations, and that it was probably brought on by stress. Stress makes my crazy go crazy.

I'm looking at getting a tattoo tomorrow. Just something small - something to distract me from the other feelings. I just need something, and it can't be a drink. I feel like I need something that will tap down those emotions like a drink used to do. I can't stand feeling them anymore.

I had a dream last night that I lost it and had to be hospitalized. I just started cutting like mad and then called my therapist. She told me to meet her at the hospital, but I couldn't drive, so I called Michael and told him to come get my dog while I was waiting for the ambulance. He came and said he would drive me to the hospital and then said, "Oh my God, look at your arms!" I looked, and started screaming, "Look at my arms!" When we got to the hospital I threw myself out in front of a car on the way across the street but didn't do any damage. We went inside and I started having a panic attack and screaming. They shot me full of Ativan and stitched me up. Then I ended up in treatment for a week, shouting and panicking the whole time till they had to give me ECT.

It was a crazy dream, and I woke up feeling shaky. I almost took the day off and called my therapist for an emergency meeting, but I had a conference call this morning that I couldn't miss. So instead, I made a meeting, and they talked about feeling mental illness. Sometimes God gives you just what you need.