Trying to work it all out

"People who self-injure are also prone to abuse alcohol and drugs. One way of thinking is that they do this to 'self-medicate' their bipolar symptoms – but like drugs and alcohol, self-injury only provides a 'quick fix.'" Bipolar Central

Cutting feels like a release. It releases built up tension and feelings - feelings you can't otherwise express. I've been a bit numb this week. I don't know what it is, but it's like my brain was feeling too many feelings after not feeling them in forever, and I just couldn't handle it. Now I don't feel anything.

Quitting drinking and cigarettes relieved me of all my coping mechanisms and seems to have exacerbated my bipolar symptoms. I know the feelings are there somewhere.

I went and bought a pack of cigarettes. I'm trying to limit myself to only smoking when I'm home, which isn't that many hours out of the day. It may seem like it by how many posts I write, but it's only a few hours.

I called my therapist, but haven't heard back yet. I am thinking of taking the Seroquel and just going to bed, but it just makes me feel awful in the mornings, and I fall asleep at work. I don't need to be any less productive than I already am at work.

I'm glad I have this blog to help me "think out loud." It's much better than just sitting here with my thoughts.