I have got to stop drinking so much caffeine

I feel a little weird, and I think it's a combo of the caffeine overdose that's happening in my system and the not drinking. Usually, I have my buddy alcohol to depress my nervous system and keep me low. Nice and low and depressed.

I've been super depressed for months now. Maybe even a year or two. Nothing big happened, just was feeling like I'm a shit and maybe I should do something about it. When I was a kid I was a cutter. I used to take a serrated edge knife to my wrists and press. It would make little holes, which I would then cover with Neosporin and move along my way. I used to sit up on the kitchen counter and do this. I remember it from my first memories: I was probably 8 when I started.

In high school I used to tear apart Coke cans with my fingers till my fingertips bled and I had scars. My teachers used to freak out, cause I did it in class, but no one ever suggested therapy or anything. I eventually quit doing it when I started doing drugs instead. I just moved one self-destructive behavior for another.

One night after a particularly hard night of drinking when I was 23, I cut again. That's a whole nother post. So the past year I've been thinking about it. What if I just accidentally cut myself shaving? What if I drop something and have to clean it up? Nothing concrete, just conjecture. But I hurt myself and others so badly last time that I was too scared to take action.

So now that I don't have that depression acting on me through booze, I don't feel like that anymore. I feel up, instead, which as a manic-depressive can be just as dangerous. I can't sleep. I'm writing so much, and still managing to read two books and three magazines, and GChat with Adam. Multi-tasking to the extreme.

My mom thinks it's the caffeine and not the illness. So let's all cut back on the caffeine for a bit and see what happens. Water here I come!