How don't you know?

Ok, so that last bit has been making me think a lot more. Ten years ago I was 20. I was in college, living at home, and had just made a friend with someone in my class, finally. She took me to a bar where I ended up going every night for the next 5 years. I lived in that bar. I took home half the male population of that bar, or more like it, they took me to their car and then I came back and drank more. I was 20, what do you want? So I was a bit of a slut. Oh yeah, and yes, I was drinking underage. Oops. No one seemed to care, and I didn't either.

That bar is where I met my dear friend Amanda. It's where Emily and I left and she got pulled over by the cops, and got a DUI. It's where many a man has serenaded me from the stage, and many a beer has been poured on my shoes. It's where Halloween was every day, and where I broke up fights. It's where I sang God Bless America on holidays with the boys, and where I met Adam.

I don't remember the first time we met, but I do remember a lot of the times we talked. We would be standing behind the dj picking through the book for our next song to sing, and he would give me that great, sexy look he gives. Or he would be playing pool with someone I knew and I would sit on the stools and look on. I saw him everywhere, and I loved to hear him up on stage. His voice. Oh, his voice. He mostly sang rock songs, but there was still something soft to it. And there was always something in his eyes.

Ah, a wounded animal. Just my type. We found each other one night away from the bar and connected over finishing a party's keg. Our eyes met, our lips met, and that was it for me. I could never look at him the same, and I could never look away. Something just happened to me. Some sort of magnetism.

Amanda and I were talking about it today, and we just came up blank. There's just something about him, something you can't put your finger on. He just has the je n'sais quoi. And it's like a tractor beam to me.

Sometimes, most of the time, I don't want to love him like I do. I want to just be friends with him, want to love him like a brother. I just want to care about him, and for him, but not want to be with him, not want to give him anything he asks for. But I can't seem to shake it. And it's killing me that he doesn't know how he feels, so he says. How can you not know? Not knowing is code for I don't feel that way, and I wish he would just say it. I wish he would stop acting like he wants me, but I know he can't. He's a Lothario. He's Casanova. He just loves women, and women love him. I don't think he knows how to just be friends with a girl without touching and flirting.

No matter what happens with he and I, I'll probably have to teach him one day. I want to be the last woman he flirts with, but I may end up being the one to teach him about just being friends. Ugh, I don't want to just be friends. I need to make up my mind: can I handle this or not? There's always something in the way, like he doesn't know how he feels, or the meds make him not know, or I don't have a year yet. All bullshit. He needs to know. He has to know. How can you not know how you feel about someone!? I'm so sure....