Co-morbidity

"Patients with bipolar disorder (BD) who suffer from anxiety are at increased risk for substance use disorders...."

It's like I have a trifecta going. I have anxiety disorder as well as bipolar, which causes some of my irrational fears, like the one about going to the grocery store a few months ago. There was no reason for it, just a fear of going there. I also get irrational death fears. I fear the people close to me are going to die, which is a fear of abandonment issues, as well. Character flaw!

So I'm on Seroquel for anxiety, but I only take it when I'm really losing my shit. Otherwise it just makes me pass out for 10 hours, and then be really sleepy the next day. My therapist says there are better drugs out there that won't make me sleepy, so I think I'm going to talk to my doctor about that. I don't need another drug, and my anxiety hasn't been that bad since that last panic attack earlier this year.

Ugh, I hate panic attacks. At least I don't have them often, and they don't last long. Seroquel can knock one out in minutes.

Anyway, they're all linked: bipolar, anxiety, and substance abuse. Which is kind of a duh, but interesting nonetheless. Drugs are good for balancing out emotions, and often people take a drink to "calm the nerves." It's a timeless tradition. People drink when things happen that make them anxious or sad, or even happy. Things that evoke emotion are often linked with drugs and alcohol. But when it's deeply ingrained in your head, like bipolar or anxiety disorder, you have a tendency to abuse those drugs instead and really use them to cover your symptoms.

I haven't wanted a drink when I've been anxious. But I did want a drink today. I was at the grocery store and the woman in front of me was buying Corona and tequila. I knew what kind of weekend she was going to have. I wanted to reach into her cart and grab the beer and just chug it. Then the line passed the booze section, and I thought about grabbing the gin (I hate gin) and just swigging out of the bottle. Then I thought how sick that would make me. I think my body would revolt if I put alcohol into it now. So the obsession is occasionally lifted, but I'm still having moments of want. These moments have definitely become few and far between, though. I'm grateful.