Sanity comes with a price tag

"Well, would you rather be sane and fat or psychotic again?"

That's the first time he's used the word psychotic. He used it again later in the conversation in reference to how I was the last time I saw him, exactly a week ago. Suicidal, having delusions of things out to get me, anxious, depressed, amped, and crawling out of my skin. Psychotic. It hadn't occurred to me that it could have gotten that far. I mean, I wasn't jumping off the balcony, but I was thinking about it a lot. I wasn't seeing ghosts, yet. But he called me psychotic. He's the doctor.

"I'd rather not be fat," I said. "I lost 40lbs last year and I feel like the Zyprexa has made me gain 10 back. I can't fit into my pants. It's going to make me depressed."

So, we compromised: back on the Abilify. He had some in the magic closet, so I got a months worth of free stash. I start tonight; out with the Zyprexa. The Abilify before didn't cause any side effects and it almost immediately popped me out of that depression, so I'm hoping it keeps me moving in the right direction. And that I'll stop with this insane craving to eat; to chew. It really is a compulsion that I can't control. I start to shake if I don't eat for 2 hours or longer. I've just been grazing for days, like a goat. Bloated goat.

"Ok, I'll see you in three weeks, but you call me if anything happens, ok?"

Did you know that without insurance it's $85 for a 15 minute visit to your psychiatrist? I think that's on the cheap side, too. But hell, it's less than what I would pay for that much Abilify.

"Thanks, doc."