All about suicide

I love trivia. I learned some interesting things from Julie today:

-April and December are the months with the highest suicide rates.
-The older you get the more likely you are to commit suicide (and succeed).
-Older men are more likely to commit suicide.
-Single, celibate people are at most risk.

Julie says she always worries when she hears about depressed older men, dads especially. They've got the highest risk. You would think it would be teenagers, but it's not. Teens have built in networks of family and friends to watch out for them, unlike older, single people.

We talked a bit about my last suicide attempt tonight, and she went through a questionnaire the center gives her about risk. She had to, for my file. I aced that thing! "Yep, definitely suicidal, as if we didn't know, but what do you really think your risk is? I think it's low. You're so practical about it." I think it's low, too. I'm not having impulse control issues, yet. I'm able to talk to myself and turn away from the bad things.

I went to the grocery store after therapy because I was thirsty. I was walking down the aisle and saw the bleach. For a quick moment I thought, "I could just open the bottle and chug," but I quickly reminded myself of the consequences: that would burn like hell. What a painful way to mess yourself up. We're awful close to a hospital, so there's a likelihood it wouldn't kill me - only severely disable me from breathing on my own. Sounds pretty horrible to me. I don't want to be incapacitated, I just want to hurt myself.

And that's where I am, I think. I get the thoughts of suicide like that one, but I don't really want to die. It's just my illness talking for me. Luckily, I can still talk back.