If we were to live we had to be free of anger

I don't know if it's the meds or the therapy, but I'm getting over anger. I feel really peaceful lately, but I know there are things buried deep in my subconscious that make me crazy. I am angry, I know it, but it's just there so far in the chasm that I can't seem to reach it.

I know I'm angry at my parents. Who isn't? It seems so dumb to think that at this age I should still harbor resentments at the people who did their best to give me everything they could. They were only human, too, and my mom was especially human in her sickness. She couldn't help but hurt me.

Hurt. Yes, hurt and anger go hand in hand. I'm hurt, like a wounded little child. My parents tried to show me love in the only ways they knew how, but why is it never enough? They gave me shelter, comfort, food, and support. So they screwed up a bit in my latter years, so what? Why should that keep me from a happy existence?

Anger. I'm angry that they didn't seem to notice me. I went under the radar for years. My dad seems to remember everything, but at the time I think he thought that not showing interest in my problems would help me just get over them. That's why I hate when he said, "offer it up." He would just ask me to pass it on to God, when what I really needed was his help.

So let go and let God has a deeper meaning to me, and creates a little resentment. I've felt better letting God help me deal with my demons - letting him back into my life to show me the way out of my self-destructive ways - but like any wounded child I ask, "Why didn't you protect me? Why did I have to go through all that?"

Character building. God never gives you more than you can handle. And look what I did: I handled the blows given to me and came out an independent, strong, and wonderful human being. Thanks to his foresight, I was able to take care of myself in difficult times.

Character defects. Now some of those ways I've learned have become defective. They no longer save me from external situations, but keep me from growing. Tonight I'm taking a look at step four. Finding out what all those things are, and asking God to give me more insight.