"Since U Been Gone"

"Since you been gone, I can breathe for the first time. I'm so moving on...."

Thanks Kelly Clarkson for that. It just randomly came up on my iPod between Airborne Toxic Event and Johhny Cash. Random.

I really do feel I can breathe better without alcohol. Not like my lung function is better (it's sure not. That quitting smoking thing didn't take), but I feel like my life is lighter. Like the burden of control has been lifted off of me. All I have to do is follow the simple twelve suggestions of AA and I can be free of the pressure to drink. I can open up my life to the suggestion that there is something out there greater than me, and He (she/it/doorknob) can have the power in my life.

They say more, too, shall be revealed. I look forward to it. Like I've said before, I need to move on. I need to take all this damage and baggage and leave it at the train station. I need to arrive in my new life with less than I came into it with. All of the demons that haunt me can be dealt with now that I'm sober enough to recognize them, and now that I can't shove them back down with self-medication. I have the power to look deep into myself and make changes for the better.

See? I can even get sobriety out of an I hate you pop song.

But tonight I feel heavy. Not like fat heavy, though since I quit drinking I haven't really exercised at all... and I had been so good about running off all those extra calories in booze. Now I should be running off all those extra calories in cookies.

Ok, feeling heavy. Maybe it's the loneliness. Maybe it's the not sleeping (this seems to be like a once a week occurrence now). Maybe it's just being able to feel these feelings that makes me sad. Sad. Huh. Am I sad? What am I sad about? Maybe it's fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of waking up and still being here, in my dark apartment, alone. Not like I don't like being alone, but I know who I want to wake up with, and that makes me lonely knowing I could be with someone and I'm not.

Maybe I need roommates again. Just the sound of other people, the knowing there is someone else in the house. Nah. The people upstairs annoy me enough.