It's amazing sometimes

This whole not drinking thing has had some great "consequences" in my life so far. My head is clearer, my body is better, sleep is deeper, and my meds work.

I think I mentioned before that I've got a dual diagnosis - alcoholic and mentally ill - and that I'm on medication. I have a habit of calling my doctor constantly and complaining. "I'm still depressed. I want to die, sort of. I hate myself." She would gently ask how much I was drinking and I would lie straight to her face (via phone most of the time). I would tell her a glass a night, and she would tell me that was too much. If only she had known it was more like a bottle a night.

And then something happened: I got sober. Amazingly, I feel great! My meds have taken over their rightful place in my brain chemistry, and I finally feel them working. I can sleep (most of the time), I feel happy, I don't hate myself really, and I do want to go about my day. I can't stop using this word, but it's amazing! Who knew I was actually on the right drugs?

I wonder how many times I could have been happy instead of demanding a med change. I wonder how long I've wasted thinking I was depressed all the time, only to find out it was the alcohol that was doing it, not my mental illness. I suppose sometimes you just have to find out the hard way.