Jesus, these character defects

Alcohol has gotten me in trouble more than once, but boy can I get myself into trouble.

I suppose one of my big character defects is pride. I think I'm hot shit. Well, sometimes. I vacillate wildly between thinking I'm smarter than everyone, and I'm an awful person. Let's start with thinking I'm better.

I had a job. A job that a recruiter found me, and allowed me to move to another state. A job that afforded me comfort in the form of being able to have an apartment, a car, and even get a dog. This job gave me financial stability.

But I thought it was lame. I was bored.

What was really happening was I thought I wasn't doing a very good job. I thought there was so much more I could be doing if only I knew how, but I couldn't, or wouldn't, learn. This was before Facebook, so God only knows what I did with my time, but I sure wasn't doing a lot of work.

My annual review came up, and my boss asked if I was happy. I said no. Dumbass. So she told me to leave. That day, right then and there. I was out of a job.

I wallowed in my self-hatred for four months, looking for jobs while drunk on the sofa. My boyfriend came home every night from his job and I got him to drink with me into the wee hours. Often long after he'd gone to bed I would still be up drinking and searching the internet for a new job.

In my self-loathing, I chose the first job out there, despite the incredible pay cut it presented. I didn't care - I just needed to be needed again. I was glad to have something, and I celebrated by not drinking during the week.

At my current job, I'm bored. It's so beneath me. Ha! What's really going on again is I'm not getting my work done. I'm letting the papers pile up because I don't believe I can do a good enough job on them. Even the easy stuff seems to baffle me. And here I am in this position again - I am scared of work. It intimidates me.

And that's all my pride talking. I'm too good, or too bad, for a job. It's above or beneath me. How do you handle pridefulness? Do you just make up your mind to try your hardest and not to give up because you're scared? Any thoughts?