Offer it up

Forgive me if I've mentioned this before, but I was just thinking about it again.

So, I'm in the middle between step three and four, and I'm constantly turning my will over to God. I'm reading AA related materials daily, and having conversations with God all the time. I'm so glad I could do this, but I did have trouble in the beginning.

My background in Catholicism made for an interesting life. God is a central presence in my family, leading my father and my grandmother especially. They seem to have mastered the "turn it over" thing, and often told me to do so.

It pissed me off. All I wanted was some concrete examples of how to do it right. I wanted someone to tell me, "take this path." I just wanted some guidance, not some cop out like saying, "offer it up."

So when I got to AA and saw that the third step required me to give it over to God, I was kinda irked. A resentment against the program, I suppose. I don't want to go back to my childhood and fight against having no direction again!

But I realized, giving it up isn't about having NO direction, it's about not imposing your self-will on your direction. It's about letting something bigger than you into your soul and guiding you. It's that guidance I always wanted, and this whole time I could have been getting it from the God I've always known. Pretty incredible when you think about it.