Searching for something

"The next week, a bunch of us went camping, and we brought cases of beer. We finished it all. The others drank a lot, too, but I was the one who woke up in the middle of the night and started wandering around the countryside by the light of the moon. I was the one who walked fr miles searching for something. I know now what I was looking for. Unlike the rest of them, I wanted another drink." Flooded with Feeling, Personal Stories, Big Book.

At first, as a child, I would wander around in the woods behind my house, or I would walk the neighborhood in the middle of the night, looking for something. I didn't know what.

Then, when I was older I would often wander away from parties or people. I always used to wander when drunk. I tended to end up in the bushes, ditches, or the empty lot behind the bar just searching for something; looking alone into the dark.

I also liked to get into fights with people and then stomp off home, no matter how far it was. I often walked home from bars just to say, "I'll show you!" I remember Adam following me once or twice, trying to get me to come back. Poor guy. He really put up with a lot. That's going to be one hell of an amends when the time comes. Maybe I'll have to start getting him better Christmas presents.

And often when I was alone in my apartment and the bars were all closed, I would wander over to the neighborhood store in search of something. I usually thought I was going in there to get bacon for my hangover, but I always got another bottle or two of wine and went home to finish them. My alcoholic life was always searching for the next drink. Unlike some people I know, I could avoid the good wine in my house in favor of something cheap. I always felt like I wasn't good enough to drink the good stuff on my own. I knew I was an alcoholic and would just finish a bottle without putting any thought into it. There was no point in drinking the good stuff and not appreciating it.

And now I'm wandering again, but I'm searching for that something of my childhood. Perhaps, it's faith. I've always been a seeker of faith, but now I know I need it. I need to have that something that will take care of me, because I obviously have trouble taking care of myself. So let's just hope I can find what I've been looking for, and never again look for it at the bottom of a bottle.