The big 5

My therapist and I were talking today about all the destructive things I do to myself. She asked if there was anything I was really thinking about, and I said, "Cigarettes." I am powerless over them, and my lungs have become unmanageable. Well, not really. I don't have a cough (knock on wood) or anything, but I really am powerless over cigarettes. They've become my go-to addiction.

So we counted out my addictions: alcohol, cigarettes, eating, sex, and I can't remember the last one. It was probably caffeine.

I'm taking care of the alcohol one, and the sex thing seems to have resolved itself with quitting drinking. I never really had sex unless I was drunk, and I don't have the compulsion now. My libido is definitely on hiatus, which is weird, especially when I'm manic. There is someone I want to sleep with, but it's for pure reasons, not just for the sex. For the relationship that comes with it. Anyways....

The eating and the cigarettes have become my obsessions and addictions. I can't seem to quit. I tell myself, "Self, no smoking at work." Ennnt. Wrong. "No smoking in the car." Ennnt. "Only smoke 4 a day." Ennt.

"Self, eat just what you need today." Ennt. "Don't go over your Weight Watchers points." Ennnt. "Do you really need another cookie, or another diet Coke?" Sigh.

So since I quit boozing, I've brought on two addictions to take it's place. And I've stopped running. I just can't seem to get myself out the door or to the gym. It takes way too much mental energy, and at lunch I'd rather go to a meeting than the gym. I could go after work, but 3 nights a week there are meetings at home at 6 or 7. Excuses, excuses. I know.

So let's get back on the bandwagon, here. I'm going to go purchase those Commit things tomorrow, and see if that helps. I'm not even going to take my cigarettes to work with me, and I'm too cheap to buy them in the city I work in, cause they're $2 more than at home.

And I'm really going to stop eating so much. No more going out for lunch for a month. I think that's a good thing wallet-wise, anyway.

These are my two end of August resolutions. Be better. Live better.