Hockey makes me nervous

So I play field hockey every fall with a team of ladies an hour or so from here. It causes me massive anxiety every year. I am a goalie, and so I'm the last defense against a score. I always think I suck, because we suck as a team and lose a lot. But if the ball is constantly next to me, I'm going to miss it sometimes. We never lose by more than one point, but it still makes me think I'm awful and can't do a good job.

I have anxiety and panic attacks, as well. I usually have panic attacks on airplanes, and I fly a lot. But hockey always makes me feel inadequate. Why do I play? Because somehow I love it, as well. I love to be out there on the field moving around in gigantic smelly pads watching a game. It's something that makes me happy and anxious at the same time.

You should always do something that scares you. It adds a quality to life that you can't get when you stand still. Hockey starts in two weeks, and if I'm still here I'll be out on that field, sweating and waiting to fail, but loving every minute of it.