A regret and a resentment

When I left Adam, it was the best thing I ever did for both of us, and the worst thing I ever had to do in my entire life. I still haven't forgiven myself, even though we've both grown so much, and I'm still a little resentful that he didn't chase after me.

I felt I had to do it. He was in a situation where he wasn't making a decision - especially the best decision for himself - and in order to push him along in it, the best thing for me to do was break up with him.

Oh, how I loved him. I would have done anything for him, and I felt this was the ultimate show of my love. I was going to sacrifice our happiness as a couple for his welfare as a human being. He was going to get sober, damnit, and I was going to help. Oh, how important I thought I was. But he did.

And then I left for the left coast, and started over, myself. I created a new world, and waited. We talked, but not that often, and I tried to not feel like I was crying a bit inside every time. I just wanted him to say, "Come home." Or, "I'll be right there." But he didn't.

And so I regret my decision, but I don't. I'm not sure how that fits into resentments, because I'm really conflicted about it. And I'm (almost) over him not wanting to be with me enough to chase me down. It was really painful to think that he would choose his life over life with me, but that's what I was asking him to do in the first place, and I wanted him to choose himself.

And now, we've got a great relationship, based on a friendship that's strong enough to span coasts. And he's in a really good place, sobriety-wise. But I still miss what we had. Sometimes I wish I'd stayed and just gotten sober with him. But I wasn't ready. It was his time, not mine. And now it's my turn to choose myself.