Are you there God? It's me, Anne

Step three. I am entirely willing. I keep figuring it out again and again, which is part of the step, really. I need to turn everything over. It's all out of my control, and it's all out of control. I can't make my addiction go away by just not drinking. I can't make my mental illness go away by just taking my meds. I can't remove my character defects by myself. So again, I'm asking for help.

God? You out there tonight?

Please help lift this mad obsession from me. Not that I feel like drinking right now, but I know that the compulsion will come back. I know it's out there, and it will find me.

Please help me to stay sane no matter what happens. I know my bones are marked with the signs of illness, I know it deep in my core, but I know that you can help me be a better person and not let my insanity take over.

I have this irrational fear. I fear that if I give it up to God, my insanity, that is, that I'll lose my mind. If I stop trying to control myself and my mind, I'll lose it. I think they'll have to lock me up somewhere. I've been controlling it for as long as I can remember. I talk myself out of crazy things. I try to notice when I'm getting too down or too up, and I ask for med changes as appropriate. I also self-medicate with booze and cigarettes to keep my chemistry incredibly fucked up.

So I need this Higher Power to help me. I need to stay sober in order for my meds to work, and I need to stay sane in order to stay sober. God? Help?