Everything is unmanageable

Every time I think my life is unmanageable right now, I have to remember that it was unmanageable before.

Sometimes, when I'm smoking, people stop me and say, "You know that'll kill you." And my reply is always, "Maybe that's the point."

Today the speaker at my meeting said when he relapsed, that first drink, he knew he died a little inside. And that's what I have to remember. I was killing myself. I wanted to die, and I was trying my damnedest to do it. I was drinking more than I needed to, and taking medication that messes with your liver as well. I was taking other people's prescriptions and snorting coke whenever I could get my hands on it. I wanted to die.

So now, when I think the feelings are too much, and I just want to kill them again with booze and drugs, I have to remember that I was just killing myself. I need to develop that will to live a clean and sober life. I need to love myself enough to remain in this program.

I hope alcohol is done with me. I'm done with it.