How it works

"Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely." How It Works, Alcoholics Anonymous

I went to two meetings yesterday, and at each meeting I was asked to read How It Works. I figure there must be something in there that was supposed to speak to me. Was it the steps? Was it letting go absolutely? I'm having real trouble with letting go ABSOLUTELY. I can let go of certain situations, but absolutely? Let go of my will and my life over to the care of God, as I understand him? But we claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection. I don't have to get it all right just now; I have to have a willingness to do it, and that's all.

But holding on to my old ideas. What does that mean? Does it mean I think my life won't change? I haven't seen it change much yet, except for the feelings, but I know it's coming. Will I start to hang out more with my AA friends than with my other friends? Will I become more judgmental of people who drink? Will I ever stop smoking?

What are my old ideas: that alcohol was a cure for feelings; that you could run away; that everything was just going to be fine as long as I was in control. I have to realize I'm not in control, and I never was. I have to let something bigger than me have the power to lead my life. I have to learn to turn it over to God, and to trust. Ah, trust. I have to learn to trust something and people. I only half trust folks, and never really with myself absolutely. Amazingly, there is one person I trust with it all, but I hate the feeling of vulnerability that comes with it. I'm not good at being open and vulnerable. I'm always waiting to be hurt, because my experience shows it always comes.

Perhaps that's another idea I have to let go of. I have to trust people with myself and show my vulnerability. I called my sponsor last night and asked for help. I think that's a big step in the right direction.

"The Third Step does not say, "We turned our will and our lives over to the care of God". It says, 'We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him'." NA, Chapter 4

I can make a decision. I can make this decision to trust.